Adult children

[Nailhead]

I’m about ready to lose my mind with our 21 year old child. Is this generation just that lazy and unmotivated or am I completely alone? He’s our middle kid and killing me with the lack of skills to function. What do we do?

 

[Carlson-jet]

Not bagging on anyone here but my Gosh, Waiting until 21?
I would guess the first thing to do is accept "we" failed and move on to other tactics.
There has to be more to the story like "never been in trouble with the law".
Good luck.

 

[Shlbyntro]

Start charging him rent, utilities, phone, and internet. Be fare with the numbers but be firm.

 

[Carlson-jet]

Start charging him rent, utilities, phone, and internet. Be fare with the numbers but be firm.

That's making a few assumptions.
Although I do agree with the premise.

 

[rrrr]

Make decisions, act now and make it stick. My son strung me along for 15 years with his hard luck money stories, last March I told him to lose my phone number and leave me alone.

Life has been much better since then. I shoulda done it long ago, I'd still have the substantial amount of money I pissed away on him.

 

[Shlbyntro]

Or tell him that you're downsizing and moving to havasu and that he cant come with....

 

[Nailhead]

Or tell him that you're downsizing and moving to havasu and that he cant come with....

That’s coming soon, just turned 50 and I’m about done working full time in Ca.

 

[Nailhead]

Not bagging on anyone here but my Gosh, Waiting until 21?
I would guess the first thing to do is accept "we" failed and move on to other tactics.
There has to be more to the story like "never been in trouble with the law".
Good luck.

I’ve been pretty easy on the kids until the youngest turned 18, their mom had some crazy shit written into the paperwork. I followed the rules so it didn’t backfire but now Im suffering the backlash.

 

[Sharp Shooter]

I’ve been pretty easy on the kids until the youngest turned 18...

This could be why you have a problem.

 

[monkeyswrench]

My kids are still young, oldest is 15. I always try to read anything like this, and talk with friends with older kids, to learn.

I am 42 now, but bought my 1st house at 21. Was out of my parents place at 18. They didn't force it, but I wanted the "freedom". Learned that freedom takes a lot of hard work, and the bills keep coming, even if you're hungover or injured. Sink or swim when there are no safety nets.

 

[Nailhead]

This could be why you have a problem.

I understand that and accept it, every time we had an issue it would mean going back to court and the female would get the upper hand. I had to surrender at some point so I wasn’t living at the side of the road.

 

[Carlson-jet]

So we went from a blank canvas to a few brush strokes. This might be a really good thread because I bet you are not alone. At the same time I and most likely you and many others were never afforded the privilege of being literally a man-child at 21. You have to give more insight into the situation.

 

[Wizard29]

One of my distant friends has a kid that is 30, a cop, and still living at home. Blows me away. But it's only the case because my friend enables it.

I don't have kids and am thankful I never will so I can't say I'm an expert in the kid raising field, but I have had some experience with it (past long term GFs with young kids) and spent some time in law enforcement often dealing with little shitheads.

At some point it has to be sink or swim and you have to be willing to let that happen. I can see that you had to take it easy because of the ex and all the crap that comes with that. At 21 years old the time for taking it easy for fear of what the ex may do has passed though. Make the kid perform on his own and don't enable him to continue to do without the necessary skills to function. He's an adult. Time to make him start acting like one. Long term he'll be better off for it.

 

[attitude]

What are his hobbies? What are his friends into? I would think having a dad on RDP means he goes to the river and hopefully like boats, dirt bikes, cars etc. I was always and still am motivated by materialistic items, there is always something I want that I am working for. I assume at 21 he has a job? Get him excited about something he wants to buy and help him plan to reach that goal, maybe a new dirtbike or a car/truck and then move on to a place to live etc.

 

[monkeyswrench]

What are his hobbies? What are his friends into? I would think having a dad on RDP means he goes to the river and hopefully like boats, dirt bikes, cars etc. I was always and still am motivated by materialistic items, there is always something I want that I am working for. I assume at 21 he has a job? Get him excited about something he wants to buy and help him plan to reach that goal, maybe a new dirtbike or a car/truck and then move on to a place to live etc.

Goals are great motivators. It seems weird to me, but a lot of the younger people just want food, internet and a roof...that's it. It's like existing is enough. Screw that, I wanted it all. I still do I don't know what will drive this kid, as I am sure it differs from one to the next.

 

[white tortilla]

For context @Nailhead is a great very focused guy and extremely motivated in all I have seen him set his mind too. Very competitive. Always a winner in all I have seen him involved in. I have no insight for his question as I have no children but he has the qualities in himself.

 

[TPC]

I’m about ready to lose my mind with our 21 year old child. Is this generation just that lazy and unmotivated or am I completely alone? He’s our middle kid and killing me with the lack of skills to function. What do we do?

Failure to launch kid.
We have one.

 

[Carlson-jet]

It's crazy how fast life passes by.
Almost all of us grew up in a time when politics were sane. Things have really changed over the last 15 years and I don't think everybody was prepared for what came down the barrel.
We as a Nation are facing some pretty big issues and I have a feeling it is taking a toll.
My own Daughter thinks Dad is wacko and that her teachers are infallible.
That's a tough place to be in. We've all read the jokes but to be in that situation once they learn free-will, I'll be honest, It seems like I'm slowly losing. It's going to be a tough 5 years before she graduates high school.

 

[RitcheyRch]

My sister just turned 47 and still lives at home. Never been married and pays nothing to my Dad towards the house. She does work full time and has been at the same job since she was 17 years old. My Dad even has a house cleaner come once a week because my sister is too darn lazy to do anything. Tried to get my parents to charge her rent but that never happened,.

 

[CLdrinker]

Waiting until he is 21 is about 10yrs to late.

 

[CarolynandBob]

Our son was just plain lazy. No matter what i tried i couldn't get him a good work ethic. At age 12 I told him if he wanted money he had to work for it. I would give him jobs to do around the house for "x" amount. Still didn't work. It got a little better when he got his licence and wanted gas money. He got a job at subway. When he was 18 1/2 we had to kick him out because he wouldn't follow rules. After a very rough year and a half he joined the marines. He is married and has a child now and is much better.

My advice is to cut off everything. We gave ours a 30 day notice and paid his security deposit on a room for rent. Then he was on his own. Probably the best thing we did for him.

 

[farmo83]

Perhaps a tough conversation, it worked for me.

When i got done with school I moved back home and worked at a movie theater while partying my ass off while I was "looking for a real job." One night coming home from a bar I drove my truck Into a ditch. Dad came to pick me up and when I got in the car we had a "chat" about my current state of affairs in life.lol. Got a job soon there after and moved out shortly after that. Haven't looked back since. Dad knew exactly what I needed and ill always be thankful for it.

 

[River Runnin]

Is he off the Tit yet??

Take him down to recruiter and sign up for one of the Branches!

 

[WYRD]

I’ve been pretty easy on the kids until the youngest turned 18, their mom had some crazy shit written into the paperwork. I followed the rules so it didn’t backfire but now Im suffering the backlash.

Its very tough to provide a lasting influence when you are only a parent for 50% or less. A lot of us are in the same boat. As rr said they are who they are at this point, accept it and move on....you will be happier.

 

[Dan Lorenze]

Get him to join the military, they will straight him out quick. lol

 

[Rvrluvr]

My 21 year old drives this Works his ass off everyday. Never late. Been driving dump trucks since he was 18.
My 20 year old daughter works full time and goes to school full time, she is about to start chiropractor school.
My 18 year old son works on all my trucks doing tires, brakes, whatever. He is in the police explorers as a lieutenant and about to be hired on as a cadet. Wants to be popo real bad.

My point?.....not all kids are lazy. Sometimes they need a good kick in the ass to keep going tho.

 

[Go-Fly]

Helicopter parents have dependent children. Divorce parents try to hurt each other through their children and fuck with their kids mental stability. Then we have a school system that tells our kids that they are racist if they try to achieve or have an opinion of anything. Sounds like a good plan for success to me.

 

[Spudsbud]

Is he off the Tit yet??

Take him down to recruiter and sign up for one of the Branches!

This. Both.

 

[Bear Down]

Its very tough to provide a lasting influence when you are only a parent for 50% or less. A lot of us are in the same boat. As rr said they are who they are at this point, accept it and move on....you will be happier.

Truth... My step kids Dad is the guy who just gets away with shit, doesn't worry about a job if he loses it (grandma funds his habits), but is an influence to the kids regarless. Don't get me wrong my step kids are awesome, I just worry when they are in the 20's how they will see life... Good Luck!

 

[HB2Havasu]

I’m about ready to lose my mind with our 21 year old child. Is this generation just that lazy and unmotivated or am I completely alone? He’s our middle kid and killing me with the lack of skills to function. What do we do?

You don’t say if he’s living with you or your Ex? I’m going to assume he is living with you for this reply.

When my son graduated High School I gave him 3 Months off to go have summer fun with his buddies. At the end of 3 months I sat down and had a conversation with him, and gave him the following 3 choices:

1. Enroll in a College or Trade School and I will pay for your education, room & board.
2. Find a job and start paying room & board.
3. GTFO.

Guess which one he chose? Yep No. 3, lol. He thought he could just Party forever. Well that didn’t last very long. He ended up getting a job and living on his own. Today he’s doing very well for himself in the construction trades.

Sometimes Tough Love is our only choice with our kids. Believe me, kicking him to the curb was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. In the end it was the best thing I could do for him. Otherwise today 15 years later he would probably still be living at home. YOU are the parent, so be one!!!

 

[Rayson1971]

Middle children can get lost in the mix between the first Who can almost do no wrong and the last who is the baby and can almost do no wrong. Start there. maybe he feels lost in the mix and doesn't care anymore.

 

[Keymyster]

I feel your pain. Wife still has one at home.

 

[was thatguy]

Or tell him that you're downsizing and moving to havasu and that he cant come with....

That worked for me.

 

[Bpracing1127]

When I was 21 I was partying my ass off!!! Guess who was right by my side? My dad lol. Then 2008 hit I was unemployed living at home getting a government check for 30 months. At that time I played beer pong at a semi pro level and was getting paid for it cash under the table. I was also hustling side money at tournaments. I bounced from job to job after that for a while until I found my nitch. Then I still lived at home. One day at the river my dad said I couldn’t go with him anymore. I was soooo pissed as I was going to meet some chicks out there. From that point on I wanted my own boat so I got serious and about 4 years later i got it

 

[Singleton]

Truth... My step kids Dad is the guy who just gets away with shit, doesn't worry about a job if he loses it (grandma funds his habits), but is an influence to the kids regarless. Don't get me wrong my step kids are awesome, I just worry when they are in the 20's how they will see life... Good Luck!

Join the club. My 2 oldest are great kids / young adults at 24 and 18. Both are my step-sons, and their dad has been a total PIA.

Oldest is 24, has a BS in Evolutionary & Ecological Biology (funded by mom and me and the kid paid a year as well). So he is smart, but his lazy ass dad keeps influencing him to do stupid stuff. With that said, he is off the family checkbook living in a Denver, but working to pay bills and not start a career.

 

[rmarion]

you have two choices

1. Military
2. Job

you are out of MY HOUSE. in 6 monnths.
FIGURE IT OUT

this discussion should of started about age 13

 

[rmarion]

my boys had 3 choices... military, Job, or Roofer

they all worked for me at least one year... I fired two of them.. (late, f-ing off. I did not give them a 2nd chance. One and done. They knew the rules working for their Dad. Unfortunately the owners Son need too work the hardest of all employees. )

they are ALL exceptional young adults, home ownership, with great careers

 

[Singleton]

As my kids hit HS, they hear this.
Come Aug the year you graduate HS, you have the following options.

1 - Go to a 4 year university = mom and I pay as long as you get a 3.25 GPA
2 - Go to Community College = mom and I pay as long as you get a 3.25 GPA
3 - Trade School - mom and I support
4 - join the military
5 - do what you want, but your not living at home or getting mommy/daddy $$

Both boys choice option 1. I had to modify our requirements for second kid based on first.
- Now if you pick 1 or 2, if your degree is not in business, engineering, architecture (so a more liberal arts major) you must graduate with a teaching certificate as well. Worst case scenario you teach.
- Any semester under 3.25, you pay off the loan we took out in your name (you get 1 ‘get out of jail’ semester under 3.25).
- Graduate in 4 (take as much summer school as you need), mom and I purchase you a car and pay your car insurance until you turn 26.
- once graduated, you can move home for 6 months (rent is 600 a month). After 6 months your rent goes to 2k. After 1 year, you are out. Unpaid rent is netted from your inheritance. This option is available until age 26. More or less you can move home 2 years after graduation and same payment structure exists.

 

[monkeyswrench]

Lots of good reading here from others.

Now, here is my view that all kids are different: I was the baby, so to speak. Actually, the "oops" child. My sister was the oldest.. wound up being an addict, never had a job more than a week, at 50, doesn't have anything (unless a miracle happened, haven't seen nor talked to her in 7 years).
My brother was the middle child. He always had what I thought were good jobs in IT. He lived at home until he was 34 or 35...he then bought a house, shortly before he got married. After my parents had passed away, I found in the paperwork they had "lent" him over 70k...I couldn't, and still can't figure out his finances. He doesn't gamble or drink to excess, and not a druggy type.
Then there is me. Not well off by any means, but always had a home and food for the kids. All three of us grew up in the same house, with the same married parents. Maybe the parenting style changed as I got older, or events happened that I was too young to realize changed my outcome.

My sister had 5 kids...4 of them turned out great, 3 with degrees and jobs, one in the Air Force...1 turned out like her. Her lack of parenting somehow pushed most of the kids to want better. My brother married late, to a girl that had never been around kids...so they decided not to have any. My three seem to be doing good so far, but time will tell.

 

[brownsuger]

I'd still have the substantial amount of money I pissed away on him.

Man, do I feel your pain.... I've had to put off retirement because I "helped" my son.... Looking back, I should have let him file bankruptcy and learn the hard way.... Me helping him financially honestly hasn't really helped him.... I can go on for days....

Hopefully I'll be dead before the younger generation starts running things....

What happened to "Ask not what your country can do for you, But what you can do for your country"?

Now its.... buy me, gimme, let me see...... What a shit show

Thankfully there's alcohol and cigars....

 

[monkeyswrench]

my boys had 3 choices... military, Job, or Roofer

they all worked for me at least one year... I fired two of them.. (late, f-ing off. I did not give them a 2nd chance. One and done. They knew the rules working for their Dad. Unfortunately the owners Son need too work the hardest of all employees. )

they are ALL exceptional young adults, home ownership, with great careers

Some may call roofing child abuse I worked more for my Pops as a kid, than as an adult. Stopping and thinking, I was the only one of the kids that would go and help. Loading kegs, filling buckets or hauling rolls of modified by age 13. Pitching shingles or drying in before that. Pops was the reason I had money for gas, insurance or girls.

Go figure, sweat and work made a difference. Who knew? Some of those days were miserable. Definitely had to hustle, didn't want to embarass Pops in front of his crew/friends either. Damn I miss working with him, and how simple things were

 

[Tireman]

Make decisions, act now and make it stick. My son strung me along for 15 years with his hard luck money stories, last March I told him to lose my phone number and leave me alone.

Life has been much better since then. I shoulda done it long ago, I'd still have the substantial amount of money I pissed away on him.

Dad?

 

[Old Texan]

Get him to join the military, they will straight him out quick. lol

Works wonders.....Some friends of my daughter had a son that couldn't get his shit together. Went to college on a sports scholarship and flunked out. His dad got him a good job for a plant contractor. Failed the drug test. Got busted for pot and then an assault charge.

They managed to get him in the Army and he's made a complete 180.

 

[Bear Down]

Join the club. My 2 oldest are great kids / young adults at 24 and 18. Both are my step-sons, and their dad has been a total PIA.

Oldest is 24, has a BS in Evolutionary & Ecological Biology (funded by mom and me and the kid paid a year as well). So he is smart, but his lazy ass dad keeps influencing him to do stupid stuff. With that said, he is off the family checkbook living in a Denver, but working to pay bills and not start a career.

My 11 yr old is pretty effen smart as well... similar situation as yours, Dad is one LAZY MF and is always showing up late, misses pick ups, suggests to my then 16 year old that pot is good for helping with her hurt shoulder, to blaming my then 17 year old she broke a POS car he bought her to deflect the fact..>I can go on... hence my wife and I really step up our level of parenting, but that gets dumbed down.. I feel bad to for our 4 year old, she is going to have it the hardest of the 3, but she an effen rockstar and gets it, as long as she doesn't follow the bad habits of the older 2.

 

[lebel409]

I'm listening...24 yo with no motivation...too smart for college, does the exact minimum, no goals or aspirations.

FM

 

[SoCalDave]

I’ve been pretty easy on the kids until the youngest turned 18, their mom had some crazy shit written into the paperwork. I followed the rules so it didn’t backfire but now Im suffering the backlash.

And here lies the problem. Are you still following "Her Rules"?

 

[monkeyswrench]

Guys (or gals) with kids in late teens or 20's, what do your kids do for fun, work or both? My hobbies were expensive for my age, was never into computer stuff and not much of a bar hopper. Are the things kids do now a lot cheaper, and don't require a lot of money? What drove me was wanting to have fun. Roof, food and fun...in that order. I understand not having a career acceptable to parents, I had lots of jobs my parents didn't like. How are these kids able to have a roof, food and do anything fun?

 

[Bear Down]

Guys (or gals) with kids in late teens or 20's, what do your kids do for fun, work or both? My hobbies were expensive for my age, was never into computer stuff and not much of a bar hopper. Are the things kids do now a lot cheaper, and don't require a lot of money? What drove me was wanting to have fun. Roof, food and fun...in that order. I understand not having a career acceptable to parents, I had lots of jobs my parents didn't like. How are these kids able to have a roof, food and do anything fun?

WeLL my 18 yr old daughter is really a great kid... Goes to College (JUCO) and works part time.. Spends a lot of her time with us and her boyfriend. Bad thing is, he doesn't work, goes to a JUCO and doesn't drive/have a license, so my daughter is always driving him around and picking him up. Drives me ape shit... When I mentioned on a previous post about their dads influence, this is a result in my opinion. I NEED A DRINK

 

[Mandelon]

“Hard times create strong men. Strong men create good times. Good times create weak men. And, weak men create hard times.”

 

[Nailhead]

You don’t say if he’s living with you or your Ex? I’m going to assume he is living with you for this reply.

When my son graduated High School I gave him 3 Months off to go have summer fun with his buddies. At the end of 3 months I sat down and had a conversation with him, and gave him the following 3 choices:

1. Enroll in a College or Trade School and I will pay for your education, room & board.
2. Find a job and start paying room & board.
3. GTFO.

Guess which one he chose? Yep No. 3, lol. He thought he could just Party forever. Well that didn’t last very long. He ended up getting a job and living on his own. Today he’s doing very well for himself in the construction trades.

Sometimes Tough Love is our only choice with our kids. Believe me, kicking him to the curb was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. In the end it was the best thing I could do for him. Otherwise today 15 years later he would probably still be living at home. YOU are the parent, so be one!!!

He lives with us and goes to school 4 days a week. Doesn’t party, has very few friends and did work over the summer 3-4 days a week. There’s just no drive to make an effort to get anywhere. We’ve given him and our other 3 kids the choices listed by most of you. Our oldest son is 25 and works full time in Oregon, our girls are 18 and 19, both are sophomores in college. One at Cal Lu living on campus and the other in Oregon. I get the whole failure to launch thing. Military has been pushed pretty hard here and is the next thing if he doesn’t finish his classes. He’s the last one home and I’m ready to be kid less in the house. We’ve always told the kids they need to have their shit together by the time I’m 55 because we’re out of here and not taking anybody with us. Can’t wait for 2024!