WELCOME TO RIVER DAVES PLACE

Dealing with ex’s sucks - impacts kids more then most think

Singleton

Well-Known Member
Joined
Feb 5, 2008
Messages
10,767
Reaction score
8,871
Need to vent.
My wife and her ex-husband agreed to split tuition for their child (my step-son). We pay fall, he pays spring. This was agreed to in front of kid, so he knew which parent was responsible for what and when.

Found out today that the ex did not make tuition payment 3 on the 4 payment plan, and now if account is not paid in full by March 12, the kid will be kicked out of school!

Only reason my wife and I know this info, is due to the fact we have access to his bursars account and I was checking today about his fall scholarship status.

Then when texting with kid about the bands basketball conference tournament trip and spring break today, he said everything was good and classes were going well and was looking forward to being home for a few days in March.

So what to do?
Part of me wants child kicked out so he realizes his dad is a POS, the other part wants to save then day. Wife and I agreed tonight, if told by March 1 we will help, but if told March 7 (when in lands in LA for basketball) or later, we will not be helping.
Wife is pissed, but so far has refused to call/text ex until the kid tells us WTF is going on.
 

Bpracing1127

Well-Known Member
Joined
May 31, 2012
Messages
4,463
Reaction score
4,485
Since were talking about college. The kid is an adult and it’s great you are helping but he should be the one to manage is college career. He should making sure everything is up to date and since he knows the arrangement, he can contact the responsible party for payment. Let him learn to be adult a little bit
 

Singleton

Well-Known Member
Joined
Feb 5, 2008
Messages
10,767
Reaction score
8,871
Since were talking about college. The kid is an adult and it’s great you are helping but he should be the one to manage is college career. He should making sure everything is up to date and since he knows the arrangement, he can contact the responsible party for payment. Let him learn to be adult a little bit
Easier said then done :)
Don’t like seeing my kids suffering and get really pissed when it’s the wife’s ex causing the problem. Birth father has caused more stress on my two step-sons then you can imagine. Hell the oldest was overseas when his dad bounced his 1k HS graduation check. I got call at 3am from kid saying my debit card is not working can I use the emergency CC to pay for dinner. That was the start of the oldest realizing his dad was not dependable. Don’t wish that on any kid (even my step-kids).

But I get what you are saying. We all learn more from our failures. Not sure what my step-son failure is in this.
 

DWC

Well-Known Member
Joined
Nov 9, 2012
Messages
3,305
Reaction score
3,826
Guess it would depend on if the Ex has the funds and is playing games or not. If he has the ability to pay I’d rattle his cage a bit. Either way I’d figure out how to keep the kid in school. It’s a potentially life changing event for him. Don’t let some jackhole impact it.
 

Riverryder

Well-Known Member
Joined
Aug 15, 2019
Messages
610
Reaction score
531
You’re gonna cause him more suffering if you continue to baby him. He’s an adult he needs to figure it out. Shit I didn’t get any help didn’t need it. But I’m way more mature then anyone my age.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

crzy2bealive

Well-Known Member
Joined
Aug 16, 2013
Messages
3,198
Reaction score
1,405
Maybe I missed it, but what if he doesn't know it's in default? If it's agreed upon that the biological father is paying maybe he thought his dad got it?

Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk
 

Looking Glass

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jan 6, 2020
Messages
418
Reaction score
319
You’re gonna cause him more suffering if you continue to baby him. He’s an adult he needs to figure it out. Shit I didn’t get any help didn’t need it. But I’m way more mature then anyone my age.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

🤣

Do you mean like your online dating Posts?:rolleyes:
 

Carlson-jet

Well-Known Member
Joined
Dec 19, 2007
Messages
6,375
Reaction score
5,518
Nip this in the bud. All parties need to be aware. If the The other dad is willing to cover what he can, you cover the rest.
No need in gloating. It's not in the kiddos best interest. If I was the other dad I would beg and grovel if I I was having difficulties.
You're a good man just for noticing and able to help.
Situation sucks no doubt.
 

LargeOrangeFont

Steers With Throttle
Joined
Sep 4, 2015
Messages
20,932
Reaction score
25,369
Easier said then done :)
Don’t like seeing my kids suffering and get really pissed when it’s the wife’s ex causing the problem. Birth father has caused more stress on my two step-sons then you can imagine. Hell the oldest was overseas when his dad bounced his 1k HS graduation check. I got call at 3am from kid saying my debit card is not working can I use the emergency CC to pay for dinner. That was the start of the oldest realizing his dad was not dependable. Don’t wish that on any kid (even my step-kids).

But I get what you are saying. We all learn more from our failures. Not sure what my step-son failure is in this.
You realize if you pay, you’ll be picking up the tab from here on out, right?
 

monkeyswrench

Well-Known Member
Joined
Sep 7, 2018
Messages
6,564
Reaction score
10,935
Guess it would depend on if the Ex has the funds and is playing games or not. If he has the ability to pay I’d rattle his cage a bit. Either way I’d figure out how to keep the kid in school. It’s a potentially life changing event for him. Don’t let some jackhole impact it.
That's how I feel. If you have the ability to keep the kid on track, I'd try too. Yes, the Ex may be a loser, but the kid did nothing wrong.
If parents can't get along, then either bite the bullet, or have the kid find his own way for the next semester. Give the kid a chance, don't let the rug get pulled from beneath him.

As full disclosure...I was on my own at 18, and have absolutely no knowledge of college anything.
 

rmarion

Well-Known Member
Joined
Mar 14, 2008
Messages
3,690
Reaction score
4,272
another thought.....
life lesson, your step son "knows who is supposed to pay for these quarters"
a. maybe your S.S. is done with school??
b. wants to exposed his birth father as the person he is...

this is a LIFE LESSON....
let him make THIS DECISION!!
 

Riverryder

Well-Known Member
Joined
Aug 15, 2019
Messages
610
Reaction score
531


Do you mean like your online dating Posts?:rolleyes:
Haha yeah. You jelly?
I know it’s good to have the fund and pay for the kids school. But I think parents paving the way for the kids is creating this soft entitled attitude a lot of kids have these days. Don’t know how to pay bills, hold a conversation, no sense of responsibility because there parents have been behind them with a safety net..



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

Bobby V

Well-Known Member
Joined
Dec 20, 2007
Messages
19,010
Reaction score
7,979
Need to vent.
My wife and her ex-husband agreed to split tuition for their child (my step-son). We pay fall, he pays spring. This was agreed to in front of kid, so he knew which parent was responsible for what and when.

Found out today that the ex did not make tuition payment 3 on the 4 payment plan, and now if account is not paid in full by March 12, the kid will be kicked out of school!

Only reason my wife and I know this info, is due to the fact we have access to his bursars account and I was checking today about his fall scholarship status.

Then when texting with kid about the bands basketball conference tournament trip and spring break today, he said everything was good and classes were going well and was looking forward to being home for a few days in March.

So what to do?
Part of me wants child kicked out so he realizes his dad is a POS, the other part wants to save then day. Wife and I agreed tonight, if told by March 1 we will help, but if told March 7 (when in lands in LA for basketball) or later, we will not be helping.
Wife is pissed, but so far has refused to call/text ex until the kid tells us WTF is going on.
Is this the kid that is going to school in Hawaii. 🤟:)
 

DWC

Well-Known Member
Joined
Nov 9, 2012
Messages
3,305
Reaction score
3,826
That's how I feel. If you have the ability to keep the kid on track, I'd try too. Yes, the Ex may be a loser, but the kid did nothing wrong.
If parents can't get along, then either bite the bullet, or have the kid find his own way for the next semester. Give the kid a chance, don't let the rug get pulled from beneath him.

As full disclosure...I was on my own at 18, and have absolutely no knowledge of college anything.
I did 3 years at a 2yr school. Went until they sent a letter to tell me not to come back. :D Definitely wasn’t my deal.
 

attitude

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jul 30, 2009
Messages
873
Reaction score
700
As someone who had to grow up with divorced parents since I was 3 it’s a shitty situation to be in. I am not a person who believes in college but in this situation I do not believe your step son should be forced to suffer the consequences of his dads lack of responsibility. If this were a situation where he wanted to go to college and knew he would be paying for it himself then fucked around and came up short on tuition I would be all for “he’s an adult he can figure it out” but that’s not the case here. He trusted his parents as any kid should and his Dad let him down. As long as he is a good kid that is going to school for the knowledge I would help him out, if he is just going for the tail I would say have him get a loan.
 

LHC Kirby

LifeTime Member
Joined
Jan 12, 2008
Messages
1,803
Reaction score
1,862
LACK OF COMMUNICATION

FIX IT

Either wife tells the son, or she contacts the ex and let him know the payment is past due and has X amount of time.

After the interaction with ex.... she should let son know the situation.



Don’t let the kid just get dumped FIX THE COMMUNICATION PROBLEM


*** sorry, not sorry about being blunt and CAPS..... but when it comes to lack of communication with a problem and people sit back and watch it fail.... ticks me off....
 

rmarion

Well-Known Member
Joined
Mar 14, 2008
Messages
3,690
Reaction score
4,272
PS, I was working on the Roof out of High School..

4 years Apprentice Roofer,
at 6th year, $2 over Foreman Wage
at 9.5 years, Roofing Company Partnership

you lead him to the water well....

you did your job....
 

Singleton

Well-Known Member
Joined
Feb 5, 2008
Messages
10,767
Reaction score
8,871
What’s the “kid” drive?
nothing. I help my kids get a car upon college graduation, first 4 years of military service completed or trade school apprenticeship is starting.

the ”other kid” is driving a 2017 Suburban and just purchased a older BMW. The kid rents the house across the street 2 house down from me.
 

Singleton

Well-Known Member
Joined
Feb 5, 2008
Messages
10,767
Reaction score
8,871
Nip this in the bud. All parties need to be aware. If the The other dad is willing to cover what he can, you cover the rest.
No need in gloating. It's not in the kiddos best interest. If I was the other dad I would beg and grovel if I I was having difficulties.
You're a good man just for noticing and able to help.
Situation sucks no doubt.
all parties have knowledge of what is going on (Wife just reviewed sons e-mail).
we will help when asked, to keep kid in school.

I will request birth father sell some of his guitar collection (I think it was at 50+ last time my step-son posted it on FB, or the new scuba equipment that was accidentally delivered to my house when he was out of town.
 

was thatguy

living in a cage of fear
Joined
Apr 28, 2008
Messages
32,845
Reaction score
38,412
nothing. I help my kids get a car upon college graduation, first 4 years of military service completed or trade school apprenticeship is starting.

the ”other kid” is driving a 2017 Suburban and just purchased a older BMW. The kid rents the house across the street 2 house down from me.
Im not trying to be an asshole or smart ass.
It’s all just mind blowing to me. A Completely foreign concept to imagine parents fighting over who pays my college tuition, and the problem comes to light when my debit card is rejected at dinner and I have to call stepdad for permission to use my emergency CC.
I mean absolutely no disrespect at all, quite the opposite in fact.
If I was able to I’d probably provide the same to my rug rats.
But I have to ask, having grown up as an Air Force brat, I can’t think of a single person I know from the service who’s “daddy” buys them a car after they have served 4 years for our Country.
It’s all mind boggling to me.
Especially the fact that no one seemed aware of the failure to pay until the dinner tab was rejected.
 

Bear Down

Well-Known Member
Joined
Feb 19, 2011
Messages
426
Reaction score
534
I deal with this with my 2 step kids... one is 11 and the other is 18.... it's a no win and you're the A-hole if you try to prove a point. As stated, kid has been told parents are taking care of his tuition. Either both sides contribute or one side picks up the slack. It always works that way with a dead beat/loser dad and is a no one for you. From experience with endless bail outs, you just need to have it run its course naturally and expect to pick up the pieces (check book) right before the shit hits the fan. It's part of being a step parent and provider. It wasn't what I expected when I got into this situation 7 years ago, but it's how it works. People in life just get away with shit and get bailed out in different ways, the Dad is just one of those people.. Accept it, deal with it and move on, it really sucks and I KNOW what you are feeling and going through. This guy sounds like my wife's Ex as well.. we could put back a bottle or 2 talking about the dumb shit these guys do to their kids...

Good luck and if you need to chat more, PM me..

Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk
 

monkeyswrench

Well-Known Member
Joined
Sep 7, 2018
Messages
6,564
Reaction score
10,935
I did 3 years at a 2yr school. Went until they sent a letter to tell me not to come back. :D Definitely wasn’t my deal.
PS, I was working on the Roof out of High School..

4 years Apprentice Roofer,
at 6th year, $2 over Foreman Wage
at 9.5 years, Roofing Company Partnership

you lead him to the water well....

you did your job....
🤔
I did 3 weeks at a two year. Dropped out so I could work and buy a house...oddly enough, paid for two by roofing.
No student loans, but still pay for it.
 

was thatguy

living in a cage of fear
Joined
Apr 28, 2008
Messages
32,845
Reaction score
38,412
My kids all have step dads.
I myself am a Step dad as well.
All “kids” are grown adults 28-38years old.
One side thinks I’m a loser and an asshole.
One side thinks I’m cool as fuck.
Can you guess which is which?
 

Carlson-jet

Well-Known Member
Joined
Dec 19, 2007
Messages
6,375
Reaction score
5,518
all parties have knowledge of what is going on (Wife just reviewed sons e-mail).
we will help when asked, to keep kid in school.

I will request birth father sell some of his guitar collection (I think it was at 50+ last time my step-son posted it on FB, or the new scuba equipment that was accidentally delivered to my house when he was out of town.
I'm interested in old Gibson's and Fenders if that helps. :p
You're a good man and I hope my post was not offensive in any manor.
 

CJ_Donahue

Well-Known Member
Joined
May 24, 2018
Messages
854
Reaction score
1,791
I would remind him you paid for Spring and offer him a loan if he needs money for what his father failed to pay. Make sure he knows it is a loan to him and he is responsible if his dad does not cover it. Make it a fair or zero interest loan but don't give it to him and don't let him get kicked out over money.
 

Singleton

Well-Known Member
Joined
Feb 5, 2008
Messages
10,767
Reaction score
8,871
Im not trying to be an asshole or smart ass.
It’s all just mind blowing to me. A Completely foreign concept to imagine parents fighting over who pays my college tuition, and the problem comes to light when my debit card is rejected at dinner and I have to call stepdad for permission to use my emergency CC.
I mean absolutely no disrespect at all, quite the opposite in fact.
If I was able to I’d probably provide the same to my rug rats.
But I have to ask, having grown up as an Air Force brat, I can’t think of a single person I know from the service who’s “daddy” buys them a car after they have served 4 years for our Country.
It’s all mind boggling to me.
Especially the fact that no one seemed aware of the failure to pay until the dinner tab was rejected.
my oldest step-son used the money he earned in HS working to spend 60 days traveling Europe and Asia after HS graduation. He paid for it all. Wife and I gave him an emergency CC just in case shit hit the fan. He used it that day to purchase dinner while my wife and I transferred money from his savings to checking account (he did not have access to his savings account until he graduated college).

my deal with all the kids, I will help you buy a car upon completion of one of those items I listed. I cap the amount at 10k. The oldest upon college graduation found a used car that out the door was 9886. He did not want a car payment for any amount over 10k.
 

C08H18

Well-Known Member
Joined
Aug 1, 2018
Messages
248
Reaction score
274
Need to vent.
My wife and her ex-husband agreed to split tuition for their child (my step-son). We pay fall, he pays spring. This was agreed to in front of kid, so he knew which parent was responsible for what and when.
i am facing similar situation. We paid step-son's private HS for 4 yrs already and his father won't commit to pay anything towards college. BTW, his father had his college paid for including masters degree.

You have an agreement where the POS Ex pays half a year. In the future, the kid can go to school for 6 months on your dime, and can work the other 6 months because the deadbeat dad won't hold up his end of the agreement. As far as this spring, you could make payment 3 and 4 with the clear understanding that the POS EX now picks up payment 1 and 2 of Fall'20 and still picks up Spring'21. If payment 1 and 2 aren't made before classes start, then you and the child sit down and decide which semester he attends (Fall or Spring) and which one he works because the POS EX won't pay.

At least you're showing commitment and follow-thru and he understand how POS Dad is a true deadbeat. The kid may also decide that attending summer semester is a less expensive choice.

Keep us posted please.
 

gqchris

Well-Known Member
Joined
Mar 24, 2008
Messages
4,178
Reaction score
2,849
I go thru this with the sperm donor of my step daughter. He is a POS, but I knew that going in. Guy is such a loser, but I'm never going to change that. It happened way before me and his ass will probably outlive me later in years.

I just try to provide for my stepdaughter as best I can and let her hopefully make he own informed decisions as she is older. I pay for her school 100%, but to me, its a thing that money cant buy. She used to be a d-F student in Public School before I came around. Now she is teachers pets with ALMOST straight A's.

I pat myself on the back for that. And as long as I can continue to make that little girl smile, its all worth it!

Now lets see if this shit stain claimed her on his taxes again for the 4th year in a row. Even after he promises NO year after year, you know the drill.......same old fucking loser.
 

Riverryder

Well-Known Member
Joined
Aug 15, 2019
Messages
610
Reaction score
531
I would remind him you paid for Spring and offer him a loan if he needs money for what his father failed to pay. Make sure he knows it is a loan to him and he is responsible if his dad does not cover it. Make it a fair or zero interest loan but don't give it to him and don't let him get kicked out over money.
Yes!!!!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

ka0tyk

Well-Known Member
Joined
Oct 4, 2010
Messages
6,640
Reaction score
3,866
Honesty wins. Tell the kid what’s happening but dont put the dad down or call him names. It is still his bio father. What he thinks is up to him to decide. Tell him you love him and will take care of whatever to complete school. Kids have enough stress these days. Only thing he needs to be worrying about is getting that degree and starting a career. All you can do is steer them towards the right direction. If hes a good kid and has all his ducks in a row he’ll figure out life on his own he doesn’t need someone to cram it down his throat with some dumb life lesson. I’m sure he sees his bio fathers habits and can come to his own conclusions.
 

HB2Havasu

Well-Known Member
Joined
Nov 4, 2015
Messages
1,695
Reaction score
2,478
I would simply start a convo with the kids bio father and get the low down on the finances before getting the kid involved. Having grown up in a divorced family it’s hard dealing with a deadbeat parent! Your both grown ass men!
 

farmo83

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jun 9, 2008
Messages
1,186
Reaction score
561
Easier said then done :)
Don’t like seeing my kids suffering and get really pissed when it’s the wife’s ex causing the problem. Birth father has caused more stress on my two step-sons then you can imagine. Hell the oldest was overseas when his dad bounced his 1k HS graduation check. I got call at 3am from kid saying my debit card is not working can I use the emergency CC to pay for dinner. That was the start of the oldest realizing his dad was not dependable. Don’t wish that on any kid (even my step-kids).

But I get what you are saying. We all learn more from our failures. Not sure what my step-son failure is in this.
It's not about your step son's failure. You mentioned he got quite a few scholarships so he's clearly far from anything to do with failure. To me it's more about teaching that sometimes thing's just go south and you have to deal with it. I would try to let the kid deal with it the best he can and swoop in at the last minute if he can't get anywhere.

My .02
 

mesquito_creek

Well-Known Member
Joined
Sep 25, 2009
Messages
1,356
Reaction score
1,090
Found out today that the ex did not make tuition payment 3 on the 4 payment plan, and now if account is not paid in full by March 12, the kid will be kicked out of school!
Yes, keep in mind it only cost 10k all in a semester, based on the scholarships the kid got
So let me do the Math here .... 10K split in half is 5K and the ex has made 2 of the 4 payments on his 5K bringing the balance to 2500 bucks... on your kids education...

I would give a kidney to my step kid and I have a hard time even calling her "step" because I made a commitment to her as a child to be part of my family. I would pay the bill to keep them in college and let them know that you and your wife are committed to their education and you will work with the Ex to try to make it right.

The step child in this case is parenting their biological father, something they had no choice in. Work hard to keep the kids head in the game at school and not deal with the divorce.
 

gqchris

Well-Known Member
Joined
Mar 24, 2008
Messages
4,178
Reaction score
2,849
I would give a kidney to my step kid and I have a hard time even calling her "step" because I made a commitment to her as a child to be part of my family. I would pay the bill to keep them in college and let them know that you and your wife are committed to their education and you will work with the Ex to try to make it right.
THIS! I also made a commitment to my wife to take care of her and my step daughter, and it means the world to me. I may not be called "Dad", (Which I am OK with, thats reserved for the Ex) but I do catch her calling me Dad to her friends at school or when writing things down on papers, which always makes me smile. She is 10 years old and I know I mean the world to her also.
 

RiverDave

In it to win it
Joined
Sep 13, 2007
Messages
97,566
Reaction score
66,707
Student loans an option?

I think I’d explain the situation, and tell the kid that you will help him get student loans to pay the tuition.. then help to pay off the student loans in the future?

life lesson there, makes the point, and you don’t have to but the whole bill up front yourself?
 

HBCraig

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jan 8, 2008
Messages
4,439
Reaction score
1,883
Just my opinion here

Tell the kid he stepdad is a clown.

I would pay the tuition because he is a student and he should be worries about succeeding in college and not worrying about paying Bills. He will have his whole life to pay Bills. Let him be a full time student as it doesn't last forever
 

Singleton

Well-Known Member
Joined
Feb 5, 2008
Messages
10,767
Reaction score
8,871
So let me do the Math here .... 10K split in half is 5K and the ex has made 2 of the 4 payments on his 5K bringing the balance to 2500 bucks... on your kids education...

I would give a kidney to my step kid and I have a hard time even calling her "step" because I made a commitment to her as a child to be part of my family. I would pay the bill to keep them in college and let them know that you and your wife are committed to their education and you will work with the Ex to try to make it right.

The step child in this case is parenting their biological father, something they had no choice in. Work hard to keep the kids head in the game at school and not deal with the divorce.
10k for the fall, 10k for the spring.

i will pay the tuition when asked. My wife and I know it is due and we will pay it when we get the call. The kid needs to call and ask if we can help, then we will. However calling March 11 and saying it is due March 12, not going to fly, when the payment was missed Feb 11. Plenty of time for the kid to call and ask for help.
 

mesquito_creek

Well-Known Member
Joined
Sep 25, 2009
Messages
1,356
Reaction score
1,090
10k for the fall, 10k for the spring.

i will pay the tuition when asked. My wife and I know it is due and we will pay it when we get the call. The kid needs to call and ask if we can help, then we will. However calling March 11 and saying it is due March 12, not going to fly, when the payment was missed Feb 11. Plenty of time for the kid to call and ask for help.
I have a kid in college who thinks it’s our job to manage all aspects of her college payments, signing up for classes and managing her living arrangements... generally a week after any payment is due... I get it.
 
Last edited:
Top