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Distant family turns into non existent...

ka0tyk

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Love to get some various opinions on whats transpired in my life over the years, most of you are decently level headed. =)

My parents divorced when I was young, due to my mother being addicted to medication and booze. I remember going to visit her in rehab, she was more excited to see her winston cigarettes than me. Obviously it didnt work because they split shortly after. My dad told her to just take whatever and leave... a couple weekends later we were eating on patio furniture in the empty living room and the brand new 5.0 tbird he bought her was gone. Never saw her again.... until she was on her death bed reaching out for forgiveness through facebook messenger. Never took her up on the offer. My dad raised me and it wasnt a bad life, had a roof over my head and we went to the river, etc... now that I have kids I realize I was more "friends" with my father than a son. Those 3 words never were spoken that I say daily to my children.

I grow up, he remarries when I'm like 18 and later they end up leaving California and moving to North Carolina. We have kids and we hear the "its too far away from the grandkids." They end up moving back to Bullhead AZ. However the visits and phone calls are always initiated by us to see the kids. We try to get them iphones so they can at least facetime, they're stubborn and only do android... even then skype or meet, hangouts, etc never happen. Meanwhile my wifes side are all kicking the door in to have time with their grandkids... booking up every holiday years in advance, trips etc. We realize moving back west had nothing to do with us and everything to do with being around their friends so they can party. I eventually give up with the initiation of every conversation or trying to fill them in on what our kids are up to, how they're doing etc.

Its about to be three years now and I havent even had a text message from them. No kids birthday presents or even a card. They've blocked us on facebook for some reason... my aunts and uncles have all told us that they think we're preventing them from seeing the kids. We've obviously told them otherwise and they're understanding of our side of the story, especially when we're the ones showing up for family holidays and get togethers and they're absent.

At what point do I go out there, call, or should I just leave it as-is? I just feel like its going to be a giant shit show. I dont think I need any relationship its more for the kids. Then again that hole is overflowing with love and support from all our other family members. I have a feeling the next time I see my father he will be in a box or on his death bed reaching out and I might just give him the cold shoulder like I did my mother...
 

BHC Vic

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It’s opposite for us. My mom is here now and my wife’s mom rarely calls. I don’t try to hang out with anyone that isn’t trying to hang out with me. image.jpg
 

Xring01

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Been there done that.

ROI, thats what you owe your kids.


Return On Investment…

Time is not free:

Spend it wisely,

Spend it with your those that give you ROI

The faster you realize the above, then the guilt factor goes away, until them you have internal guilt with zero ROI

Ask me how I know
 

Javajoe

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I would suggest not reaching out anymore. Toxic breeds toxicity. Nothing good will come from it but lies told to your kids from them and you trying to repair the damage. People are sometimes selfish and are who they are. You cannot change them. Sad deal for sure
 

t&y

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Same thing with certain parts of the family. Both sets of my parents participate in my kids life as much as they can... travel permitting. One set travels constantly between grandkids, the other is centralized but calls about once a month.

You really can't force that interaction. If they seek it we are fine with it, but we are also fine with distance. It really comes down to how much effort you want to put into the relationship.

We do have parts of the family that I haven't spoken with in over a decade. I don't miss them, they obviously don't miss me. All good.
 

PlumLoco

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Both of my parents passed away when our kids were small. My mom was an awesome Grandparent for the 6 yrs before she died. My Dad lives alone an likes it that way. He enjoyed them for short periods, but he was already nearly 80.
My wife's parents have never lived more than 10 minutes away. They wouldn't even babysit overnight, not once. I have spoken to my MIL 3x in the 3 years since they moved out of CA to "be closer to the one child that likes them". That child is shaved head, lesbian, career Art student, that lives in a shack with the most limp wristed, cross dressing guy you could ever imagine.

It hurts me every day.
 

bldrinker

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My parents think being a grandparent is sending a card with Money or a gift on the kids birthday or Xmas.
I made it very clear the kids do not need any material gift they need phone calls and hugs. Which is much to difficult for them.
 

JD D05

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How old are your kids? My kids are 18 13 and 5. The 18 year old is super busy and not around much anymore, 13 year old is also busy but obviously home more. I would spend as much time as you can with your kids doing what they and you and the wife enjoy. It goes real fast, I wouldn't invest effort in time around anyone that I didn't enjoy family or not. I actually disconnected from most my wife's side because they annoy me.
 

ConcreteDr

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You can pick your friends
You can pick your enemies
You can’t pick your Family

all families have drama if they say they don’t there not honest with you or themselves
your going to half to live with whatever you decide
 

DLow

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I had very close to same situation. Parents divorced, I went out on my own early in life. My dad was always a struggle. A few years ago he told me to not contact him or show up to his funeral after he was diagnosed with a very treatable type of cancer. Said that I had robbed him of being able to spend time with his only grandkids. Yet he was the one to cut ties… on my birthday no less. He recently tried to make contact again. Nope. No way. I won’t expose my kids, wife, or myself to that toxic environment.
Why would I?

Why would you?
 

pronstar

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Forgive and move on.
Doesn’t even need to be communicated to them.

Forgiveness isn’t for them, it’s for you.

Unload the burden from your heart and put all of your energy toward the people that matter.

I’m dealing with a similar situation with my dad right now. I’m not at the point of walking away, but I’m close.

The only thing stopping me is my mom’s deteriorating health. He’s basically her caregiver, and contact with our son is the only thing keeping her going…

Family drama sucks ass.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
 

Desert Whaler

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I'd stay away . . . . when my Mom passed around 10 years ago, both my sisters seized all contact with my Dad for some unknown reason.
Coolest guy ever . . . even the grandkids & great grandkids cut him off . . . guess what, I took his side and cut them all off right back.
Life's too short to ge involved in some unknown drama that you have zero control over . . . even worse when you try to patch things up and are met with resistance.
F.I.D.O. - Forget It Drive On
Best of Luck.
 

HNL2LHC

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Bummer deal for sure. I always wanted kids and grandkids to enjoy. So sad that is not the case for everyone.

I realized 2 years ago life is short and I don’t need people that take our time away from us without refilling it with laughter and love. Some people just take and don’t have time for that. I used to try to keep certain family members up to date and have a relationship that I thought our son deserved. Two years ago that all changed. Now I don’t call anyone to keep them up to date. I do however every now and then phone up and talk for most of the time not longer than 15 minutes maybe once. Year. I send text updates on the wife when there are any doctor’s visits. I don’t want tp keep anything from them that they can throw back at me at some point to make me the bad guy.

Best of luck to you and your family to find your happiness. When I say your family that is your wife and kids. 👍
 

bowtiejunkie

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my parents divorced when I was age 12. Brother and I lived with Mom thereafter. Fast forward, wife and I have two kids (11 & 10). My Mom is very involved (visits, calls, FaceTime, etc). My Dad to a lessor extent, but he does make an effort and has driven to Texas twice in a year to visit. MIL several notches down (she rarely calls the girls or even visits). FIL, bare minimum involvement. MIL & FIL (divorced) lived very close for years and they could never find the time to visit. FIL always off helping some needy woman. I think it's been said above, spend time with those who actually want to be involved.

My Mom and Dad will just call and schedule a visit. The in-laws always waiting for us to initiate even though we've told them to quit complaining and just tell us when you want to visit. Crickets. At this point, we just accept whatever each parent is willing to give/take. To be fair, my parents are financially better off and retired. The in-laws still work. However, calling/texting is basically free, so no real excuse for lack of communicating directly with our girls.

If you feel your dad won't change his ways, I'd probably just move on if it were me.
 

CALEXODUS

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Love to get some various opinions on whats transpired in my life over the years, most of you are decently level headed. =)

My parents divorced when I was young, due to my mother being addicted to medication and booze. I remember going to visit her in rehab, she was more excited to see her winston cigarettes than me. Obviously it didnt work because they split shortly after. My dad told her to just take whatever and leave... a couple weekends later we were eating on patio furniture in the empty living room and the brand new 5.0 tbird he bought her was gone. Never saw her again.... until she was on her death bed reaching out for forgiveness through facebook messenger. Never took her up on the offer. My dad raised me and it wasnt a bad life, had a roof over my head and we went to the river, etc... now that I have kids I realize I was more "friends" with my father than a son. Those 3 words never were spoken that I say daily to my children.

I grow up, he remarries when I'm like 18 and later they end up leaving California and moving to North Carolina. We have kids and we hear the "its too far away from the grandkids." They end up moving back to Bullhead AZ. However the visits and phone calls are always initiated by us to see the kids. We try to get them iphones so they can at least facetime, they're stubborn and only do android... even then skype or meet, hangouts, etc never happen. Meanwhile my wifes side are all kicking the door in to have time with their grandkids... booking up every holiday years in advance, trips etc. We realize moving back west had nothing to do with us and everything to do with being around their friends so they can party. I eventually give up with the initiation of every conversation or trying to fill them in on what our kids are up to, how they're doing etc.

Its about to be three years now and I havent even had a text message from them. No kids birthday presents or even a card. They've blocked us on facebook for some reason... my aunts and uncles have all told us that they think we're preventing them from seeing the kids. We've obviously told them otherwise and they're understanding of our side of the story, especially when we're the ones showing up for family holidays and get togethers and they're absent.

At what point do I go out there, call, or should I just leave it as-is? I just feel like its going to be a giant shit show. I dont think I need any relationship its more for the kids. Then again that hole is overflowing with love and support from all our other family members. I have a feeling the next time I see my father he will be in a box or on his death bed reaching out and I might just give him the cold shoulder like I did my mother...

leave as is for now, but if and when the death bed or funeral for your Dad comes, go....if you go and regret that is one thing, if you do not go and regret a lot harder to live with.
I had a mother that never showed love and I had a terrible relationship with, but I was at her death bed when she took her last breath, a lot to support my sister that was there also, but I did not want to regret not being there and I did tell her I forgave her for not showing love to me and my sister.
 

Nordie

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I'm actually in the same boat as you. I see my wife's family more than my own family. The kicker is my mom and dad both live in Vegas, my mom is maybe 20mins away, and my dad maybe 35 mins away. (I still talk to me dad, but don't see him much).

My wife's family is in Chicago or South Carolina. Wife's mom actually calls me randomly to make sure everything is all good, and just to catch up. I've seen her like 3 or 4 times in 2 years, and have yet to see my mom that lives 20 mins away.

Long story short my mom and stepdad missed my wedding, because my mom got drunk and my stepdad was like perfect, we don't have to drive across town to attend Josh's wedding. Meanwhile wife's family flew from all over the country to be here.

Now my mom's side of the family I am very close with, my grandma, uncle's, and aunts. I talk to them all of the time. I flew to Florida in May and hung out with my grandma just to get out of town. It started a whole shit storm with my mom, saying I was a bad kid and that I don't care about her. I suspect the next time I see her is probably at her funeral.

So you're not alone, I prefer my inlaws they are actually family oriented.
 

badgas

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Sorry you are going thru this.

Honestly I would just let it be and move on. There is little to nothing that you can do to control others, being relatives makes no difference. Just be that much more greatful that you are gettting an example of what loving grandparents look like from your wifes side of the family. This will also you shape the type father and grandfather that you are and will be in the future. If you have to force this relationship it just shows how toxic and one sided it will be.

Stay open in the future as they will come around. Make sure you show them love and forgiveness so you don't bury any bitterness and your kids get to see your heart.
 

RVR SWPR

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kaOtyk,obviously your recent trip acoss the United States (literally coast to coast) proved your kids have family. Every stop appeared positive. Nothing will ever change with your father. Also,apparently on your own and alotta support from your wife you guys are doing great with many many years ahead for the 4 of you to enjoy immediate family that is going to grow. Let your father go,the next stage for him will be him needing you. Invest your success in your wife / kids.You are doing that now,keep it up.
 

Cdog

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I’m dealing with some strange dynamics with my family too. I’ve never asked them for a thing. They never had to bail me out or give me anything.

Aside from my moms estranged father who has tried to reach out to me (I haven’t seen since I was 8 , I didn’t respond ) It seems my boomer parents haven’t followed in the footsteps of my grandparents and showed interest in being a part of our kids lives.

My mom just sold her house in Newport coast & is moving to Virginia. My biological father has showed little to no interest in us for years. I talk to him quarterly at best and have to remind him about his grandkids big events. Jr high grad & birthday’s. Yet my 29yr old brother who just moved out for the first time is coddled.

I talk to my dad/Step dad weekly. I’m grateful to have him.

I give everyone the same treatment they give us. At this time in our lives I can only assume this is where they want things.
 

TrollerDave

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Love to get some various opinions on whats transpired in my life over the years, most of you are decently level headed. =)

My parents divorced when I was young, due to my mother being addicted to medication and booze. I remember going to visit her in rehab, she was more excited to see her winston cigarettes than me. Obviously it didnt work because they split shortly after. My dad told her to just take whatever and leave... a couple weekends later we were eating on patio furniture in the empty living room and the brand new 5.0 tbird he bought her was gone. Never saw her again.... until she was on her death bed reaching out for forgiveness through facebook messenger. Never took her up on the offer. My dad raised me and it wasnt a bad life, had a roof over my head and we went to the river, etc... now that I have kids I realize I was more "friends" with my father than a son. Those 3 words never were spoken that I say daily to my children.

I grow up, he remarries when I'm like 18 and later they end up leaving California and moving to North Carolina. We have kids and we hear the "its too far away from the grandkids." They end up moving back to Bullhead AZ. However the visits and phone calls are always initiated by us to see the kids. We try to get them iphones so they can at least facetime, they're stubborn and only do android... even then skype or meet, hangouts, etc never happen. Meanwhile my wifes side are all kicking the door in to have time with their grandkids... booking up every holiday years in advance, trips etc. We realize moving back west had nothing to do with us and everything to do with being around their friends so they can party. I eventually give up with the initiation of every conversation or trying to fill them in on what our kids are up to, how they're doing etc.

Its about to be three years now and I havent even had a text message from them. No kids birthday presents or even a card. They've blocked us on facebook for some reason... my aunts and uncles have all told us that they think we're preventing them from seeing the kids. We've obviously told them otherwise and they're understanding of our side of the story, especially when we're the ones showing up for family holidays and get togethers and they're absent.

At what point do I go out there, call, or should I just leave it as-is? I just feel like its going to be a giant shit show. I dont think I need any relationship its more for the kids. Then again that hole is overflowing with love and support from all our other family members. I have a feeling the next time I see my father he will be in a box or on his death bed reaching out and I might just give him the cold shoulder like I did my mother...
Is your relationship with them toxic, or just one sided?

If it’s not toxic, I would say do your part calling and with invitations. Your kids will see that a relationship takes work and it is not always reciprocated, but you tried, did your part and you won’t have regrets.
Your dad may not have the skills to have a relationship, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to have one. It happens quite often. It seems easy to reach out, but it is harder for some and gets harder the longer you go.
Good luck, family is not always easy
 

monkeyswrench

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My parents and mother in law have all passed on. I didn't really "get along" with them, in terms of being friends...but miss them all dearly. My kids hardly got a chance to know them.
My wife's dad walked out when she was in second grade...hasn't seen him since. He had someone try to reach out on FB, saying he wanted to "meet his grandkids"...wife's response was good. "Screw him, he wasn't interested in my life, or supporting his kids, why should he?"

Everyone is different, so is every family. Raise your kids how you see fit, even if it means they don't interact with certain parts of the family.

BTW, I see and talk with my wife's brother much more than I speak with my own...and I have a sister I haven't seen since before my Mom passed...she couldn't be troubled with going to the services. Too busy with drugs and booze...
 

J DUNN

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You don't need anything but this is for your kids? The only thing worth something to your kids is love from their family. Get that for them from those who give and have that love for them. Sounds like there are some that do, focus your time and energy on that. Don't try to manufacture something that isn't there, you'll end up disappointed. Honor what they or he HAS done in your life and that is raise you and been a friend. Don't punish him for not being there for your kids. He may not be a good Grandpa but he raised a good son. Don't seek for more but don't cold shoulder him when he reaches out. If he reaches out at deaths door looking for reconciliation with your kids, it's a good opportunity to teach them boundaries and treat others the way you want to be treated. If he reaches out to you, show respect for the love and rearing he gave you as a kid and nothing more, but it's perfectly okay to love and appreciate him for that. I'm sure there were some good times that you're grateful for him.

Good luck to you. The fact that you're asking this shows that you're a man of good character and wants to do what is right for your family and kids. Bless you, keep up the good work. I always say I just want the next generation to be better than the previous. That's working out to my estimation for 5 generations now so I count that as we're going the right direction in being decent contributors to society. Can't ask for more than that.
 

chadzilla

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Both of my parents passed away when our kids were small. My mom was an awesome Grandparent for the 6 yrs before she died. My Dad lives alone an likes it that way. He enjoyed them for short periods, but he was already nearly 80.
My wife's parents have never lived more than 10 minutes away. They wouldn't even babysit overnight, not once. I have spoken to my MIL 3x in the 3 years since they moved out of CA to "be closer to the one child that likes them". That child is shaved head, lesbian, career Art student, that lives in a shack with the most limp wristed, cross dressing guy you could ever imagine.

It hurts me every day.
not trying to change the subject but I totally dig your CZ avatar!
 

Riverbound

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I haven’t spoken to my real Dad in almost 10 years. He’s still alive, has my number, but chose to not be a part of our lives.

He might be my blood. But he’s mot what I would consider family anymore.
 

jetboatperformance

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We have a portion of our extended family clearly alienated by mine and my wifes's political beliefs leanings ... we are diametrically opposed and irreconcilable.... re my Old man , he wouldnt let me even spend the nite when I came back from boot camp with no place to stay (first marriage was on the rocks) ... never forgave him and wont
 

Mandelon

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My father in law always felt he needed to be invited. Just saying to let us know when he wanted to visit wasn't enough. He wanted a real invitation to dinner or whatever event was happening. So maybe invite them over a couple times, if they don't come then you have an answer.

My mom lived a couple hours away. We'd pack up the kids and go visit. After about 20 minutes she had seen enough of us and was ready for a nap. LOL Since that sucked, we learned to go visit somewhere nearby, then stop in to see her on the way back. Short enough to keep her happy, but we didn't feel like we wasted a whole day in traffic for a 20 minute visit. Kids got to see LA area beaches, La Brea Tar Pits, and stuff like that.

My wife and I have both lost our parents now so this sort of thing is no longer an issue. But I feel for ya, it really sucks to have folks that just don't care.
 

OC Mike

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Not knowing everything involved or what drama this would cause, I would probably invite them over for a BBQ, or something, just them.
Let it be in their court. If they don't respond or accept, you have your answer.
 

Wedgy

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Love to get some various opinions on whats transpired in my life over the years, most of you are decently level headed. =)

My parents divorced when I was young, due to my mother being addicted to medication and booze. I remember going to visit her in rehab, she was more excited to see her winston cigarettes than me. Obviously it didnt work because they split shortly after. My dad told her to just take whatever and leave... a couple weekends later we were eating on patio furniture in the empty living room and the brand new 5.0 tbird he bought her was gone. Never saw her again.... until she was on her death bed reaching out for forgiveness through facebook messenger. Never took her up on the offer. My dad raised me and it wasnt a bad life, had a roof over my head and we went to the river, etc... now that I have kids I realize I was more "friends" with my father than a son. Those 3 words never were spoken that I say daily to my children.

I grow up, he remarries when I'm like 18 and later they end up leaving California and moving to North Carolina. We have kids and we hear the "its too far away from the grandkids." They end up moving back to Bullhead AZ. However the visits and phone calls are always initiated by us to see the kids. We try to get them iphones so they can at least facetime, they're stubborn and only do android... even then skype or meet, hangouts, etc never happen. Meanwhile my wifes side are all kicking the door in to have time with their grandkids... booking up every holiday years in advance, trips etc. We realize moving back west had nothing to do with us and everything to do with being around their friends so they can party. I eventually give up with the initiation of every conversation or trying to fill them in on what our kids are up to, how they're doing etc.

Its about to be three years now and I havent even had a text message from them. No kids birthday presents or even a card. They've blocked us on facebook for some reason... my aunts and uncles have all told us that they think we're preventing them from seeing the kids. We've obviously told them otherwise and they're understanding of our side of the story, especially when we're the ones showing up for family holidays and get togethers and they're absent.

At what point do I go out there, call, or should I just leave it as-is? I just feel like its going to be a giant shit show. I dont think I need any relationship its more for the kids. Then again that hole is overflowing with love and support from all our other family members. I have a feeling the next time I see my father he will be in a box or on his death bed reaching out and I might just give him the cold shoulder like I did my mother...


I am Honored to respond, as many others,, with a personal story.

I have never seen do much compassion honestly laid bare, in response to your inquiry. My heart breaks, I'll add you in my nightly prayers. Godspeed in your search for Love.

I was the one who brought, "I love you," into my now Ex'es Family. The first time I hugged her Papo, he about Shit. Never had he shown that emotion. A Korean War Army Vet, he gets a huge pass. My Role model, providing for his family,, Cool Del Dios pad, wonderful Calipatria Farm Family reunions, socking away his 10 K CD's, on the regular.

My Dad died at Loma Linda, it was sudden, never got a chance to say goodbye. My Mon died on my Living room floor, Watching TV, in my first home, a little Duplex Apt in Escondido, her Wing pillow behind her head, at Peace, while I worked a second shift, at 18 years old. She lived with me, Patti, and Billy, 1975.

In 2014, I drove in the Cabin Cuiser to Texas, to see see my Stepmom.

Realized I wasn't going anywhere.
The only Grandma Brandon every knew. Came out here alot. So glad I made the effort to make that connection. It was only the right thing to do.

An Apology is only the Truth.

I wish you and your Family, all the Best. IDK, what the answer is. I will hope and pray you find it.
God Bless.
 
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Ace in the Hole

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I haven't spoken to my sister in 3 years, nor has my mom. She is not welcome in my home and never will be. She is successful in her own right, has a family etc...but she is a manipulative awful human being who would sell her soul to come out ahead of you in any way. Not to mention her husband hit my mom in front of me (he was drunk). She's not welcome in essentially anyones home on my mom's side of the family. Certain actions, words etc can not be taken back. If something were to happen to me, my wife knows NOT to reach out to her....I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of knowing. She has never met my wife, nor kids. She wasn't invited to my wedding obviously....but she sure as hell found a way to try and ruin the day with a stunt...that ended any chance of reconciliation and really hurt my wife on what was her special day.

My life is better without her, my long term friends know the situation and about her...but most people who aren't "close friends" have no idea that I have a sister....she's not welcome in my mom's house (they haven't spoke in probably 5 years)..there's no pictures of her around and she is never spoke of. I feel bad for my mom not seeing those grand kids, but she set up some college trusts for them but has only ever met the oldest. My sister has their heads so filled with BS that it's not a salvageable thing.

I haven't spoken to my Bio dad since I was 18, he wasn't around when I was a kid. My step dad was my dad, and he earned the title of dad....my bio dad was nothing more than a loaded sperm donor who went to great lengths to avoid child support etc. We get mailbox money from the CS garnishment against his SSI that will come until he dies. Obviously there is much more to it, but whenever he dies I'm sure I'll get stuck dealing with it....If thats the case I'll cremate him and flush him. Only way I'll ever find out is if that garnishment check stops coming.

Toxicity breeds Toxicity as @Javajoe said... I feel bad for the situation, all families have secrets and we're all fucked up in our own way... But they made the choice, they took the actions/lack of etc. I'm a firm believer in letting sleeping dogs lie as they are.
 

Wedgy

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Everyone, has "Stuff." Time heals. Bringing life into this world, is a great responsibility, fraught with the dangers that some will never know.

Teach, your Cbildren well. In my experience, not all of them will survive. But if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need. Miracles and Sorrow, are most definitely real.
By the Grace of God, we will survive.
 

Singleton

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Say your peace and move on.
I come from a divorced family, I have had the following conversations with my mom and dad in the last year.

Mom - Stop trying to make spending time with your granddaughter my issue. You have a house in Palm Springs, yet never visit us in Carlsbad (we always have to bring Haylie to your place), and you dont arrive in Palm Springs until January and leave in April. So, you miss your only granddaughters birthday in early December and all the fall / winter holidays because …….

Dad - ever since your second set of kids (my half-sisters) had kids, you never make any attempt to visit Haylie. Haylie last saw you July 4, 2019 in Chicago. Your last trip to CA in June 2019 lasted 24 hours before you had to leave to fly to Boston to see you daughter (my half sister). So, either figure out a better schedule or tell your granddaughter why you don’t visit her.

after these chats things got somewhat better. Dad visited in May for a long weekend and my mom promised to arrive in Ca before my daughters birthday,

IMO, you need to have whatever conversation with your dad and then decide what is next. The hardest conversation I had was 2 weeks before I graduated HS and I told my dad he was not a dad to me and more like a friend who I played golf with and I did not want him at my HS graduation. Things got much better after that.
 

Tooms22

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There are two types of people:

1) "Blood is thicker than water" people who will continue to make efforts and injure their own mental health in the process to constantly put in effort with family

2) "Hold everyone to the same standard" people who will cut off family if they suck and burden their mental health and add nothing to their lives.

I'm the latter. It's easier if you've made efforts and they've gotten you nowhere. You can feel better about cutting them off if you tried and it didn't work out. It sounds like you've made those efforts.

My grandparents have always lived in St. Louis. I moved away when I was 3. My brother was born after we moved away. We saw our grandparents a couple times year and we turned out just fine.

I don't know your whole situation but it sounds like it's not worth your time to continue to try and forge a relationship when the adults involved don't care.
 

DrunkenSailor

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Timely thread. My dad is going through divorce number 2. He left my mom for a younger woman when I was 2. He wasn't around much for awhile after that. We started being friends when I was old enough to drink with him. I would never have called him a father. For me that role was played by my uncle.

My dad was and remains an alcoholic. For many, many years he was a functioning one but over the last decade that is no longer the case. The entire family has cut him off. I and a couple of my friends helped him move out of the house today.

My brother and sisters want nothing to do with him. When he was incredibly successful and my family wanted for nothing his shortcomings were accepted as long as Everytime they put their hands out it wasn't empty. Now that he is no longer wealthy he is persona non grata. I completely understand who my father is and I will continue to love him regardless of his shortcomings. He is going to make his choices and I don't have to like them but they are his choices to make. The one redeeming characteristic is that he adores his grand kids.

I really hope that your family will step up if you leave the door open for them. I like the many recommendations of direct open ended invites. If you get to the point that you think they won't enrich your kids lives well that is an easier decision to make. Your family shaped you it's your job to shape your kids into who you want them to be.
 

81Sprint

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Crazy to read everyone's stories.

My parents divorced when I was a toddler, my mom remarried when I was 5 and my stepdad joined the Air Force shortly after. We moved all over the U.S. and my time with my Dad was very limited after that. My Step Dad and I never had a connection, he was very hands off and thought he walked on water. When they had my little brother things changed, he was the golden child and I was just in the way. One memory that has never left was being kicked down the stairs by him when I was about 9 because my little brother hurt himself and I was in the area so took the blame, and the fall. My mother did nothing. When I was 16 I left to go live with my Dad, my mom finally released her control. Don't know why it took so long but I always felt she was punishing me for my Dad divorcing her. I haven't spoken to my Mom, Stepdad or little brother in 14 years. They were toxic to me and I had no desire for them to know my kids. I don't regret it at all. Talk to my Dad once a week, he's not a very involved grandparent but we also live 1500 miles apart.

My Wife's family is very much a part of our lives, see them all the time and they are great grandparents. I am thankful for that.

Keep people in your life that enhance it, not make it more difficult.
 

FreeBird236

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Crazy to read everyone's stories.

My parents divorced when I was a toddler, my mom remarried when I was 5 and my stepdad joined the Air Force shortly after. We moved all over the U.S. and my time with my Dad was very limited after that. My Step Dad and I never had a connection, he was very hands off and thought he walked on water. When they had my little brother things changed, he was the golden child and I was just in the way. One memory that has never left was being kicked down the stairs by him when I was about 9 because my little brother hurt himself and I was in the area so took the blame, and the fall. My mother did nothing. When I was 16 I left to go live with my Dad, my mom finally released her control. Don't know why it took so long but I always felt she was punishing me for my Dad divorcing her. I haven't spoken to my Mom, Stepdad or little brother in 14 years. They were toxic to me and I had no desire for them to know my kids. I don't regret it at all. Talk to my Dad once a week, he's not a very involved grandparent but we also live 1500 miles apart.

My Wife's family is very much a part of our lives, see them all the time and they are great grandparents. I am thankful for that.

Keep people in your life that enhance it, not make it more difficult.
Glad you have your dad.
 

gqchris

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Such great responses.

We cannot "force" people to be the people that we wish they were. If you see love and care on the other side of the family, embrace that and reciprocate.

Its like woman who think they will "change" their man and "someday" he will come around. It wont happen. People dont change.

I have the same issues as you, I have barely any family left. My Dad is a clown and wont call text or even wave unless I initiate. But that's OK, I understand at 76 years old, that shit aint changing! My Wifes Mom is a piece of controlling shit that never showed love to her. And I am finally showing my wife how to cope and that its "OK" to not co support that shitty behavior any longer. She is not "owed" anything from us and we will not tolerate.

Good luck sir on your self healing adventure. I have noticed though as I get older, these decisions become so much more clear.
 

Yoshiro

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To me family is just not worth it. Ask yourself, would I want to hang out with these people if they weren't family? Chances are the answer is no, so why bother?

There's this pressure put on by society that we all must suffer through family and do it with a smile. That's like saying we all need to vote democrat while living on the west/left coast like our neighbors do. Uh, no.

Life is short, hang out with the people you want to be with, where you can mutually enrich each others lives. Most of the time, they aren't family.
 

Flying_Lavey

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My mother-in-law isn't quite as involved in my kids lives as much as she promised to be nor as much as we would like her to be when we moved out to Tucson 2 years ago. Even when she is in Phoenix at the same time as we are for the girls' Cheer competitions she has only made time to see 1. On the other hand, she sees my nephew just about daily and watches him several times a week for my dipshit sister-in-law. But heaven forbid she watches our kids for 1 night to give the wife and I time for ourselves at all. My parents cant get enough time with the kids and it kills them living 8 hours away. We had issues with CPS here last year when we were going through crap for medical issues with #3. To the point where we needed someone that could be with my wife and kids 24/7 for a week. My mother-in-law that lives 15 mins could only be bothered to help with that for 1 day. Meanwhile, my mom jumps on a flight the day it all comes up and flies out for a week and stays on our couch to help. My upcoming wife's birthday is less important than going to an out of town car show with her boyfriend and doing something with her daughter. It was the same situation when our last one was born. It took an act of god to get her to stay with our oldest 3 while the wife and I were in the hospital.

Not nearly as bad as some of the stories here, but just goes to show there is all kinds of different levels of family drama.
 

throttle

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Family dynamics and drama suck! I feel like I have had tons of it, I hate it. Can't we all just get along... respect goes a long way!

@ka0tyk , Good luck in your efforts and decisions.
 

petie6464

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leave as is for now, but if and when the death bed or funeral for your Dad comes, go....if you go and regret that is one thing, if you do not go and regret a lot harder to live with.
I had a mother that never showed love and I had a terrible relationship with, but I was at her death bed when she took her last breath, a lot to support my sister that was there also, but I did not want to regret not being there and I did tell her I forgave her for not showing love to me and my sister.

Dang man, respect to you!
 

COCA COLA COWBOY

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Sorry bro!

My family split ways after my parents passed. I talk to one sister out of 4 other siblings, but have always reached out. I finally got over it at the beginning of this year and gave up. My wife's family is a shit show too, but for my wife I leave the door open as long as they don't try to move in. I hate to say it, but the friends and their parents which I grew up with are more family than most of my own. I have a 9 year old and family is important, but I have come to the realization that if its going to be negative, it's best not to force visits.
 

coolchange

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Well it’s easy enough to reconfirm your feelings or build a small bridge. A phone call can get it off your shoulder.
My mom and then wife taught me the lesson ( and still trying to) “ I do me because that’s who I am, not who you try to make me”. Wether that’s good or bad though is another story!😬
 

jones performance

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sometimes these things are as simple as a breakdown of communication, or a set of expectations that nether realizes and most likely cant be met. my mom expected to be invited to shit from my brother and his wife regarding my 3 nephews. she would bitch to me constantly about my brother about the things he did and didnt do. i finally told her to quit bitching about shit and make yourself involved in their daily lives, but dont be a burden about it. she had no clue the daily struggles and just the amount of stuff my sister in law did on a daily raising 3 boys who were all in various forms of activities from sports to scouts, while my brother worked 70-80 hours a week to keep the lights on(among other things). so in my opinion to expect to be invited to this or that (major things like birthdays holidays etc were always planned events and no issue) was very petty. my mom would say things like "i didnt know Evan had a baseball game tonight" my reply to her was, did you call and ask?

myself i dont have kids, i do however have a group text with my mom, aunt, their cousin, and my sister in law so we have sometimes daily communication that way. social media these days has changd the way everyone interacts with each other. if alot of "life" is shared via social media freinds and family see it and dont feel compelled to reach out in other ways to see how things are, whats going on etc.
 

Havasu Surfer

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Love to get some various opinions on whats transpired in my life over the years, most of you are decently level headed. =)

My parents divorced when I was young, due to my mother being addicted to medication and booze. I remember going to visit her in rehab, she was more excited to see her winston cigarettes than me. Obviously it didnt work because they split shortly after. My dad told her to just take whatever and leave... a couple weekends later we were eating on patio furniture in the empty living room and the brand new 5.0 tbird he bought her was gone. Never saw her again.... until she was on her death bed reaching out for forgiveness through facebook messenger. Never took her up on the offer. My dad raised me and it wasnt a bad life, had a roof over my head and we went to the river, etc... now that I have kids I realize I was more "friends" with my father than a son. Those 3 words never were spoken that I say daily to my children.

I grow up, he remarries when I'm like 18 and later they end up leaving California and moving to North Carolina. We have kids and we hear the "its too far away from the grandkids." They end up moving back to Bullhead AZ. However the visits and phone calls are always initiated by us to see the kids. We try to get them iphones so they can at least facetime, they're stubborn and only do android... even then skype or meet, hangouts, etc never happen. Meanwhile my wifes side are all kicking the door in to have time with their grandkids... booking up every holiday years in advance, trips etc. We realize moving back west had nothing to do with us and everything to do with being around their friends so they can party. I eventually give up with the initiation of every conversation or trying to fill them in on what our kids are up to, how they're doing etc.

Its about to be three years now and I havent even had a text message from them. No kids birthday presents or even a card. They've blocked us on facebook for some reason... my aunts and uncles have all told us that they think we're preventing them from seeing the kids. We've obviously told them otherwise and they're understanding of our side of the story, especially when we're the ones showing up for family holidays and get togethers and they're absent.

At what point do I go out there, call, or should I just leave it as-is? I just feel like its going to be a giant shit show. I dont think I need any relationship its more for the kids. Then again that hole is overflowing with love and support from all our other family members. I have a feeling the next time I see my father he will be in a box or on his death bed reaching out and I might just give him the cold shoulder like I did my mother...

Living the exact scenario so I will be following. Thanks for sharing


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

Rajobigguy

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I'd keep them in the loop of family get-togethers that way you've put the ball in their court. Just don't have any expectations and consider the result "normal".
Lead a horse to water but can't make them drink.......🤔
This. Keep the door open, expect nothing, sometimes these things turn around and sometimes they don't.
 
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