Family Members Ashes Left At Our Home Opinion.

[aka619er]

Odd story and am looking for advice on a questionably sensitive situation.
Wife's mom died a couple of years ago after a failed double lung transplant. She was cremated and put in a fairly large urn.
On Thanksgiving 2018 the entire family came to our place and wife's dad asked if he could bring Mom. How or why could/would I say no? She was placed right in the middle of our 8 person table. No way to see past or around for dinner with this urn being around 1.5' wide by 1.5' tall. Either way everyone seemed humble and ok with it. End of the evening everyone leaves and the next day I notice she is still on the table. Being sensitive to the issue I don't say a word about it as it may have been an accident. Needless to say we are the only family members that live in AZ so they all drove back to San Diego without her.
Christmas comes and goes and the same results.
Finally I get word that everyone is coming again for Easter. I was ready to bring up the urn issue with her dad when unexpectantly dad shows up with a date. My head dropped as there was no way I could ask him now.
So now what am I supposed to do. I feel this is kinda fucked that he just dropped the urn off on his daughter/and me when this was his wife. We are both in our 30's so what are we supposed to do? Take her with us for the next 40 (hopefully) years of our life? I feel like this isn't something a kid is supposed to deal with then the parent is still around.
Advice?

 

[RiverDave]

I’d telephone the dad and ask what the plan is.. if he says she’d want to be with you than I’d find some place in the house that isn’t so intrusive and just deal with it.

 

[fmo24]

I’m a bit tactless but I would offer to scatter them if nobody wants to keep them.

 

[Yellowboat]

I would box them up and ship them too him.

 

[bowtiejunkie]

did you talk to your wife about this? what's her take on it?

 

[500bbc]

That reminds me, I have an urn with some of dad in it in a cabinet.
Need to take care of that.

 

[coolchange]

It's his responsibility. He may not want to deal with it, then put it up to the family for
vote.
But him dumping it on you was weak.

 

[Carrera205]

That was probably his way of handing her off to his daughter. In this situation sometimes its best to just cut the BS and get straight to it. If he has showed up to a family event with a date he must be moving forward with his life. So I would reach out to him man to man and ask him if he wishes to leave her ashes with his daughter. If so then take it and find a respectful place in the home for it and call it a day. Or have your wife spread the ashes somewhere meaningful and fill the jar with sand place in respectful place as a memorial.

 

[ONE-A-DAY]

Fed Ex, she will be fine.

 

[monkeyswrench]

I'd just like to say, damn, that's a big urn! Both my parents were in much smaller. My instructions for my wife are pretty simple...put mine in a bag, have some of my buddies block traffic on the Laughlin bridge, slash bag and toss...preferably before the cops come!

Seriously though, talk to your wife about it. It may be dad talked to her, and she didn't really want to talk to you about it. Family stuff is tough, and you don't want to start a fight over it. Approach it tactfully, and I'm sure you can get mom move into a more suitable location.

Good luck!

 

[aka619er]

I have not talked or asked the wife about it. I really don't want to come across insensitive about it but feel like my silence has turned into a dumping place as it's now out of sight/out of mind for her dad. At the same time I'm sure the wife would never get rid of it/her if they were offered to her.
I have however many times stated I want to be cremated and left someplace to not be a burden on anybody a few times hoping it would be a hint.
Seems like I should talk to the dad and ask him to take care of it. I have been to many cemeteries that have mausoleums for just this sort of issue. We just shouldn't have to take care of it for him.

 

[Waterjunky]

Talk to the wife, dad, then respectfully "place" somewhere special. In that order if it reaches that far.

 

[lakemadness]

You need to ask your wife what she wants to do.

Going around her and direct to the Dad could be volatile.

Seriously, you haven't discussed this with her?

Not even like, Oh, hey your Dad left your Moms ashes, quick go get him before he pulls away!

 

[Flying_Lavey]

You need to ask your wife what she wants to do.

Going around her and direct to the Dad could be volatile.

Seriously, you haven't discussed this with her?

Not even like, Oh, hey your Dad left your Moms ashes, quick go get him before he pulls aways!

Yeah.... Seems pretty obvious... Talk to the wife first. You see her everyday. It's both of your house you have every right to ask her about the urn. Ask what the plans are and if she wants to keep the ashes at your house, work with her to find somewhere more out of the way.

Sent from my LM-G710VM using Tapatalk

 

[mjc]

I'd just like to say, damn, that's a big urn! Both my parents were in much smaller. My instructions for my wife are pretty simple...put mine in a bag, have some of my buddies block traffic on the Laughlin bridge, slash bag and toss...preferably before the cops come!

Seriously though, talk to your wife about it. It may be dad talked to her, and she didn't really want to talk to you about it. Family stuff is tough, and you don't want to start a fight over it. Approach it tactfully, and I'm sure you can get mom move into a more suitable location.

Good luck!

This what I want but from the I40 bridge by Topock. My mom has dad's ashes now and my job will be to take both sets when mom dies and dump them in the Grand
Canyon

 

[was thatguy]

I’d leave it 100% up to your wife.
It’s obvious that it isn’t of any importance to the others.
Practically speaking, that urn is way too massive. The ashes themselves should be in a bag inside, with a tag.
If wife wants to hold on to the ashes for now, downsize that urn to a practical size. If wife isn’t interested in holding on, decide on a place to scatter them. Personally, given your story, I would not be overly concerned about the rest of the families thoughts on the matter.
They’ve demonstrated that it’s up to you and your wife.

I planned on scattering Debs, but have found that I simply can not do that yet. Maybe one day, but for now I like having her here.
Her favorite little buddies keep her company while I’m gone.

 

[RVR SWPR]

You will not regret doing the right thing for the lady that has lost her life.Take charge here.Spread the ashes.Your wife will appreciate and never forget that you stepped up.Make it positve for the lady in the urn.

 

[RVR SWPR]

I’d leave it 100% up to your wife.
It’s obvious that it isn’t of any importance to the others.
Practically speaking, that urn is way too massive. The ashes themselves should be in a bag inside, with a tag.
If wife wants to hold on to the ashes for now, downsize that urn to a practical size. If wife isn’t interested in holding on, decide on a place to scatter them. Personally, given your story, I would not be overly concerned about the rest of the families thoughts on the matter.
They’ve demonstrated that it’s up to you and your wife.
I planned on scattering Debs, but have found that I simply can not do that yet. Maybe one day, but for now I like having her here.
Her favorite little buddies keep her company while I’m gone.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Incredible.Awesome Journey you shared with all RDP.Deb had no doubt you did and continue to look after her.

 

[was thatguy]

Thank you.
She looks after me as well.

 

[Mandelon]

Move that urn into the corner of the garage. Forget about it for a few years. Be sure to label them though. We have had a couple foreclosure homes where we have found ashes in a box in the back of a closet.... no clue what to do with them then. They probably got scattered at the local landfill.

There's no way I would take it upon myself to do anything else. You could royally piss off the entire clan.

 

[Waterjunky]

Don't do something without the wife involved. If it goes wrong, we are talking divorce level wrong potentially.

 

[lbhsbz]

Odd story and am looking for advice on a questionably sensitive situation.
Wife's mom died a couple of years ago after a failed double lung transplant. She was cremated and put in a fairly large urn.
On Thanksgiving 2018 the entire family came to our place and wife's dad asked if he could bring Mom. How or why could/would I say no? She was placed right in the middle of our 8 person table. No way to see past or around for dinner with this urn being around 1.5' wide by 1.5' tall. Either way everyone seemed humble and ok with it. End of the evening everyone leaves and the next day I notice she is still on the table. Being sensitive to the issue I don't say a word about it as it may have been an accident. Needless to say we are the only family members that live in AZ so they all drove back to San Diego without her.
Christmas comes and goes and the same results.
Finally I get word that everyone is coming again for Easter. I was ready to bring up the urn issue with her dad when unexpectantly dad shows up with a date. My head dropped as there was no way I could ask him now.
So now what am I supposed to do. I feel this is kinda fucked that he just dropped the urn off on his daughter/and me when this was his wife. We are both in our 30's so what are we supposed to do? Take her with us for the next 40 (hopefully) years of our life? I feel like this isn't something a kid is supposed to deal with then the parent is still around.
Advice?

Wait for his birthday to come around, and send the urn to san diego .... tell him "mom wanted to be with you for your birthday".

 

[941Punk]

"So what are we going to do with your mom?"

 

[Outdrive1]

Wait for his birthday to come around, and send the urn to san diego .... tell him "mom wanted to be with you for your birthday".

Fathers day is coming up. [emoji106]


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[sirbob]

It kind of sounds like the dad asked if you all would accept mom when he he asked to bring her to your house - it sounds to me like he thinks he asked you to care for her and you both accepted - I would agree that dad fell short of making it clear, but I'm guessing he thinks he did.

Now the question is what would your wife like to do with her.

A) find a nice place in the house
B) find a resting place like cemetery
C) spread her ashes someplace that family thinks is a good spot

And I would let dad know what the plan is.

Last thought - that your wife hasn’t said anything about mom being left on the dinning table is kind of weird- I don't know how you clean the table with out that coming up ? Sounds like the apple didn’t fall far from the tree. These are tough situations but I think handled head on with the wife is were it needs to start.

 

[lbhsbz]

Fathers day is coming up. [emoji106]


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

even better

 

[sirbob]

Fathers day is coming up. [emoji106]


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Haha - reminds me of the white elephant gift my dad was given from a friend that went to Mex and brought back a gaudy ceramic statue- they spent the last 15 years of his life sneaking it into each other’s house every time they visited each other !

Sometimes he would find it a week after they last visited !

 

[$hot]

He got his wife out of the house before he started porking the new girl! Gotta respect him for that!

 

[ka0tyk]

Haha - reminds me of the white elephant gift my dad was given from a friend that went to Mex and brought back a gaudy ceramic statue- they spent the last 15 years of his life sneaking it into each other’s house every time they visited each other !

Sometimes he would find it a week after they last visited !

my wife's family does that crap. ill be opening a cabinet and all the sudden this ugly ass ceramic head pops out. i feel like permanently hiding it sometimes.

 

[was thatguy]

He got his wife out of the house before he started porking the new girl! Gotta respect him for that!

Kind of what I was thinking as well. Still, that’s 100x better than dispatching the ashes to a corner of the garage.

 

[rivermobster]

Odd story and am looking for advice on a questionably sensitive situation.
Wife's mom died a couple of years ago after a failed double lung transplant. She was cremated and put in a fairly large urn.
On Thanksgiving 2018 the entire family came to our place and wife's dad asked if he could bring Mom. How or why could/would I say no? She was placed right in the middle of our 8 person table. No way to see past or around for dinner with this urn being around 1.5' wide by 1.5' tall. Either way everyone seemed humble and ok with it. End of the evening everyone leaves and the next day I notice she is still on the table. Being sensitive to the issue I don't say a word about it as it may have been an accident. Needless to say we are the only family members that live in AZ so they all drove back to San Diego without her.
Christmas comes and goes and the same results.
Finally I get word that everyone is coming again for Easter. I was ready to bring up the urn issue with her dad when unexpectantly dad shows up with a date. My head dropped as there was no way I could ask him now.
So now what am I supposed to do. I feel this is kinda fucked that he just dropped the urn off on his daughter/and me when this was his wife. We are both in our 30's so what are we supposed to do? Take her with us for the next 40 (hopefully) years of our life? I feel like this isn't something a kid is supposed to deal with then the parent is still around.
Advice?

Talk to your wife...

Not a bunch of asshats on a boating forum!

 

[RVR SWPR]

At this time it is all about the Lady in the Urn.To hell with the family.
Reading this thread Today has been educational.My Last Will will not be read until my ashes are where i want them to be.

 

[aka619er]

I agree with many comments. Problem I face is my wife is the most sensitive creature on Earth. Just bringing up her mom creates a flood of emotions and lots or tears. This woman crys damn near daily about anything and like a woman, enjoys it. I think she hasn't said a word to me cause she is hoping I'm not thinking about it. However she knows I'm the most attentive person on Earth and not a thing said or done gets by me and she would be the first to admit it. I'm sure she is happy with them there. I guess it all comes down to me very cautiously talking to her about it and risking hurt feelings.
I still don't know how I would feel about a smaller urn in the corner. Seems like just kicking the ball down the road.

 

[CLdrinker]

My father in law is in our hallway. Mother in law lives with us part time.

Wife has made it clear dad is staying forever.
He is in a small box and happy wife means happy life so whatever.


Point being this is your wife’s deal not yours.

 

[Yellowboat]

I agree with many comments. Problem I face is my wife is the most sensitive creature on Earth. Just bringing up her mom creates a flood of emotions and lots or tears. This woman crys damn near daily about anything and like a woman, enjoys it. I think she hasn't said a word to me cause she is hoping I'm not thinking about it. However she knows I'm the most attentive person on Earth and not a thing said or done gets by me and she would be the first to admit it. I'm sure she is happy with them there. I guess it all comes down to me very cautiously talking to her about it and risking hurt feelings.
I still don't know how I would feel about a smaller urn in the corner. Seems like just kicking the ball down the road.

Even more of a reason to talk to her.

 

[Runs2rch]

Grow some great tomatoes in the garden with her! I'm sure your wife will approve

 

[floatn turd]

 

[Deckin Around]

stage a burglary.

 

[Flying_Lavey]

I agree with many comments. Problem I face is my wife is the most sensitive creature on Earth. Just bringing up her mom creates a flood of emotions and lots or tears. This woman crys damn near daily about anything and like a woman, enjoys it. I think she hasn't said a word to me cause she is hoping I'm not thinking about it. However she knows I'm the most attentive person on Earth and not a thing said or done gets by me and she would be the first to admit it. I'm sure she is happy with them there. I guess it all comes down to me very cautiously talking to her about it and risking hurt feelings.
I still don't know how I would feel about a smaller urn in the corner. Seems like just kicking the ball down the road.

Maybe it is kicking it down the road... But I guarantee it'll be a much happier overall kick if it's discussed and decided upon by both of you.

I'd just go into the conversation assuming her and the rest of her family had already decided that the ashes are staying at your house. Just approach her in a very easy manner something along the lines of... "Honey, can we talk about a more convenient spot in the house for your mom?" Sounds like she'll cry and get emmotional but it's a conversation that needs to happen and she knows it too. Just bit the bullet and initiate it.

Sent from my LM-G710VM using Tapatalk

 

[SBMech]

Just have the talk with her. Yes, she's gonna cry, it's just her way of dealing with it, just keep her calm and YOU stay calm, after a few minutes you'll be able to ease a conversation out of her. Just keep it as light as possible, and keep your self in check. Make sure you are simple and direct about YOUR feelings about the urn and it's location.

Overall stay calm, even if she freaks, talk her down, and keep her talking, it will get easier.

Getting my ex to talk about her Mom after she had passed was really tough, took more than a few tries to get her to open up about it, but it gets easier the more you get it out in the open.

Good luck!

 

[bowtiejunkie]

If the urn is still on the table, I’d just approach this to your wife as to “can we find a more appropriate place for your mom’s urn?”

When people marry, I think it should be a given that sensitive issues will come up and should be talked about. IMO, this isn’t on the level of digging into past history of abuse or the like. It’s an urn, that her father left behind, no less. The “elephant in the room” factor must be a constant weight for you over this urn. Approach it kindly and respectfully and I think you’ll be alright.

 

[DaveC]

Sounds like mom is staying for the holidays.......

 

[LHC Kirby]

“Honey, did your dad say anything about leaving your mom here, did you want to keep her here, if so can we find a better way to respect the wonderful woman she was to you - perhaps a spot in the ........ ?”

 

[BHC Vic]

I’ve got a Doberman on the fireplace and a shitzu I think on the headboard. I wouldn’t have a problem sticking mom or granny somewhere. I want to be spread over lake Mohave

 

[JDKRXW]

This what I want but from the I40 bridge by Topock.

Make SURE you tell whoever is spreading your ashes from the plastic bag to take video.

I've heard a dozen funny stories about what happens when the bag gets opended and dumped in a windy location ...... like a bridge, a boat, a car or an airplane.

 

[was thatguy]

I’ve got a Doberman on the fireplace and a shitzu I think on the headboard. I wouldn’t have a problem sticking mom or granny somewhere. I want to be spread over lake Mohave

I don’t know what I’d like done with my ashes.
Deb never had a strong opinion either. She only wanted to make sure she was cremated and not buried. She had this extreme fear of being put in the ground.
I asked her about scattering her ashes on Shasta and she was like “yeah, I guess, no big deal” She really didn’t have an opinion, which in my experience with her means that she didn’t want to go anywhere, and wanted to stay right where she is.

It was kind of funny, I told her that some of her ashes might go through the engine while being scattered at WOT.
She said “well you dont have to go wide open if you do it”

I’m like “yeah, right, WOT is the ONLY speed you ever go!”

 

[Mr. C]

although slightly different ( not just dropped off at the house) we have had my FIL ashes in the house for almost 7 years. He has a spot dedicated to him
his Air Force Flag and fire mementos Etc. My MIL (98) is living with us now so maybe that is why it doesn't seem odd.
They will be spread over a special place together when the time comes.

I didn't read every response but I would say talk to your wife, she may want to keep them.

 

[Mandelon]

 

[DaveC]

Sounds like the OP is in an impossible no win situation to me.

Please let us know how it goes.

If you are able to of course.

 

[calkid]

Before the next family gathering put Mom in a shoe box. Stick some fake flowers in the urn and place it back in the middle of the table. The resulting conversations should take care of the situation.