Kids and College

[Singleton]

Well, Easter weekend was interesting.
Middle step-son called and said he wants to take a year off from college. He will be finishing his 3rd year in May and due to his degree (Computer Science - emphasis on Video game design), he has 2 years left until graduation.

When ask why - he response was - my classes are too hard and I need a break. Now, I get classes are hard this semester. He has one math class and two programming classes that are kicking his ass, but college and life is not easy.

Not sure how I am going to deal with this. Mom and I are on the same page - if he takes a year off, he does not get a year of sitting on his ass and doing nothing. He will be required to get a job, pay rent and food & beverage if he stays at our house. Also if he does not apply and get approved for a LOA, any future monetary assistance to finish his degree will be zero. Unapproved LOA, equals all his scholarships, etc go bye bye.

Thought Mom and I where doing a good job with the kid, but his fathers influence to take the east road when life gets hard popped up again.

Not much else we can do until he gets home May 15 and a real face to face conversation occurs.

Just needed to vent and RDP is good for getting your thoughts out.

 

[JFMFG]

From what I’ve seen when a “year off is taken” they dont go back.

 

[Singleton]

From what I’ve seen when a “year off is taken” they dont go back.

That is what everyone I know tells me. I even texted an old boss (now SVP & Dean of Admissions at UofArizona) and she said the same thing.

Prior to Covid, those that took a semester or two off = 85% never finished.

 

[Go-Fly]

I put 9 through college, 8 made it. None of them our kids. (Sad story) Every time there was talk about taking time off to rest was because other students were dragging them down. It came down to a time management problem. There are groups that just want to party, have fun and live in the moment. That's fine but, like life, you party after the work is done. Winners and losers is the talk you have.

 

[JFMFG]

That is what everyone I know tells me. I even texted an old boss (now SVP & Dean of Admissions at UofArizona) and she said the same thing.

Prior to Covid, those that took a semester or two off = 85% never finished.

He may just need some encouragement to get him going again. Just remind him life isn’t always easy and some things you can just quit when the going gets tough. I feel after your face to face he will be going back after that conversation.

 

[sirbob]

These are the moments he needs to learn to push though.

Summer is for breaks (when not interning)

But you know that - do everything you can to keep him in.

I know you have highlighted some deterrents you will implement, I would consider some incentives also for him to stay. As well as talking about these moments in life will always be there.

 

[Singleton]

He may just need some encouragement to get him going again. Just remind him life isn’t always easy and some things you can just quit when the going gets tough. I feel after your face to face he will be going back after that conversation.

I hope so. We are going to get the LOA setup just in case and then once he is home (he attends the UofHawaii - Manoa), we will have a face to face chat (without his dad).

My gut tells me his dad influenced this. Our oldest got convinced of the same thing. Once home and mom and I talked to him, he said he had a bad semester and was stressed. Had the life is hard discussion and it has its ups and down and he went back in the fall.

 

[Singleton]

These are the moments he needs to learn to push though.

Summer is for breaks (when not interning)

But you know that - do everything you can to keep him in.

I know you have highlighted some deterrents you will implement, I would consider some incentives also for him to stay. As well as talking about these moments in life will always be there.

I need to work on those incentives. I am the black hat (think about the negative) and focus on deterrents as motivation (that worked for me). Need to focus on the positive - my wife is good at that.

 

[Gonefishin5555]

He wants to give up….don’t let him.

 

[RogerThat99]

I am going through the same thing. My Daughter was constantly stressed, hated living in the dorms, and hated the quarter system. Said it is too fast paced and the engineering classes were very hard. She felt that having had to do online classes for the last 2 years.

I pushed back for a while, but everyday was a problem. There was zero peace in out lives. We finally said F-It.

She is currently home, taking this quarter off. She is going to change her major, and will change schools. She will probably end up at a CSU instead of a UC.

I said the same thing about paying rent, but the wife won't go for that.

Fack!! Anyways, I feel your pain.

 

[BHC Vic]

My thoughts. Mom works at usc, I could have gone for free. I took a year off and never went back. I’ve made a career out of hanging drywall. Wish I wouldn’t have taken that year off

I thought about it a little more. A break won’t make the classes get any easier. Actually probably harder since you’re a little out of practice. Then you are now behind the rest of your class which can get frustrating or even depressing. If the were a crazy opportunity to go over seas or travel or something like that, it’s different. But I can’t see much good from coming from a break.

 

[Baja 252]

If your my sister, you would buy him a car and let him sit around and rest for a year. Didn't turn out so well in that case, she isn't sure why.

 

[bowtiejunkie]

At two semesters remaining in my 4-yr degree (which ended up taking 5.5 years @ 12 units a semester over a 6-yr period), I took an approved leave for fall semester 1998. I was burned out and unmotivated. Spent summer and fall 1998 working at a retail outlet store in Barstow making a couple bucks and wrenching on my 71 Chevelle. Well, by the time Spring semester registration came around, I’d had enough of retail store work as a career and went back to college. Did my best work in the final 2 semesters, got a job day of graduation and still with the same company 22 years later. The company only recruited from Chico State one time (Spring ‘00), so taking a semester off ended up being my ticket to working long term for a great company. A leave typically isn’t favorable, but not all kids give up on college altogether.

 

[attitude]

I am not a fan of college unless a degree is needed for the desired field of work. Assuming your son plans to go into the video game design industry he will need a degree. I would bring this up in your conversation, the chance that he does take a break and ends up not finding the drive to go back to college will stop him from having his dream job. Maybe plan a little vacation over summer for him to decompress.

 

[Bowtiepower00]

As someone who dropped out of college and didn’t return for several years into a completely different major, there probably isn’t anything you or the rest of your family can say that will make a huge difference in his decision. My parents, grandparents, etc, hounded me nonstop for years. I didn’t care, and it kept me out of school longer than if they didn’t say a thing to me.

That being said, I paid my own way and had a job, paid my own bills, etc. No scholarship, etc.

Being away from home can be difficult, and being essentially locked down in HI probably didn’t make things easier.

Do you have any family friends who he looks up to who might be able to reach out to him and talk as a third party? He might listen to them better than family.

At any rate, making his life hell/ resenting him/ being angry with him- long term anyway- will not bring any positive results.

Maybe fly out for a weekend and have a sit-down talk with him? Or have someone he trusts do the same?

 

[BHC Vic]

As someone who dropped out of college and didn’t return for several years into a completely different major, there probably isn’t anything you or the rest of your family can say that will make a huge difference in his decision. My parents, grandparents, etc, hounded me nonstop for years. I didn’t care, and it kept me out of school longer than if they didn’t say a thing to me.

That being said, I paid my own way and had a job, paid my own bills, etc. No scholarship, etc.

Being away from home can be difficult, and being essentially locked down in HI probably didn’t make things easier.

Do you have any family friends who he looks up to who might be able to reach out to him and talk as a third party? He might listen to them better than family.

At any rate, making his life hell/ resenting him/ being angry with him- long term anyway- will not bring any positive results.

Maybe fly out for a weekend and have a sit-down talk with him? Or have someone he trusts do the same?

This is another interesting thought. It’s been about 15 years since college but I am enrolled in Penn state and I’m working towards my degree. I wasn’t into it back then but I’m very motivated now.

 

[DaveC]

So he wants to drop out….err I meant …. Take a break. OK

So after you are done having that good parenting talk and stuff don’t forget to tell him that rent is due on the first of EVERY a month….

 

[DWC]

I thought the teenage years were stressful. College and beyond are the real deal. Getting our oldest through school was a nightmare. He would alternate between good and not so good quarters. I finally made a deal to have him move home and finish up. Told him I’d save up the $500 a month in rent we were paying and give it to him when he walked. Did it feel wrong, absolutely. Did it work, yep.
I’d find out if there’s anything else going on in his life. If it’s just school stressing him out I’d push him through it. If it’s something more then additional stress may not be the best answer. Maybe transfer to a local school to finish up.
If he does want to pause, I’d absolutely make him get a job and pay rent. If anything, reality is a SOB.

 

[dread Pirate]

When you take a year off it's not easy to get your brain fired up and back in the game. Maybe the kid needs a short vacation this summer to get his head straight, but hopefully he sticks through it. He's almost done after all. He should be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck!

 

[Uncle Dave]

I wouldn't let him do it, or I should say incentivize the behavior you want and make what you dont extremely unfulfilling.

If he thinks school is hard wait till he gets a job, you can screw up 39% of the time in school and still pass.

I'd position it that he has to work and pay if he moves home now and he only get 6 month before he needs an apartment. and of course all the loans from home stop-
but
if he pushes through to graduation you'll let him stay for free for (up to) one year or until he finds a job.


The reality is unless you are a rich kid the "gap year" isn't a reality - he will be working till he retires from this point forward and childhood is basically over.

 

[c_land]

Consider how royally boned all students are from an academic standpoint after the last two years of garbage remote instruction. Can't be easy to just flip a switch back to in-person instruction and have professions with elevated expectations after 2 years of students watching a screen.

Not saying there is an easy solution, but I'd consider taking time off in normal circumstances different than doing so after missing a large portion of instruction.

Maybe a break with some kind of review of material from the past 2 years could be helpful?

 

[paradise]

I 100 percent agree with everyone’s assessment of no free ride but if he is really over school let him go out in the real world. Have him start interviewing now for a summer position at a game developer. I see one of two things happening in that situation. Either he finds out he’s good at it and doesn’t need the degree to excel in that career (win-win) or he will realize that the schooling is necessary and it might light a fire under his ass to get back after it in the fall.

 

[Groper]

If the kids come home make life a son of a bitch around the house, like you mentioned a full-time job or 2-3 part time jobs and add household chores to keep him super busy with zero leisure time.
Take the kid to Skid Row for the day drop him off, have him walk around for a day and then pick him up if he survives lol.
Tell him if he doesn't finish college, he can go back to Skid Row and hang out with his new friends

 

[Tooms22]

No kids here but I did 4 years of undergrad and 3 years of graduate.

I took a year off between undergrad and graduate. I shared a room in Newport and made $16/hr.

I didn't plan it. I just wasn't sold on grad school yet.

It was a waste of time. I just lived like a 5th year college kid in Newport and worked 40 hours a week.

And yes, going back to school sucked after a year off. Everything worked out fine but I would go straight through if I did it again.

Oh and always remember... if you lived in a single wide in 29 Palms and could not financially support him at all, this would have never come up.

 

[RogerThat99]

Consider how royally boned all students are from an academic standpoint after the last two years of garbage remote instruction. Can't be easy to just flip a switch back to in-person instruction and have professions with elevated expectations after 2 years of students watching a screen.

Not saying there is an easy solution, but I'd consider taking time off in normal circumstances different than doing so after missing a large portion of instruction.

Maybe a break with some kind of review of material from the past 2 years could be helpful?

That is what happened with my kid. She was always a straight A student in AP classes. She didn't feel prepared after online instruction for 2 years. She took this quarter off, is working, will take a couple classes this Summer, and plans go go back full time in the Fall. At least that is the plan. She may choose a different school and major. She checked and can always re-enroll at her UC without re-applying.

 

[Lumpy]

That's a tuffy,
Just went through this with my son(19). Basically gave it to him like everyone else but you know...they are smarter than all us old people. So after
listening to the bullshit excuses I had to give him some tough love and he snapped out of it. Basically my goal is for him have a four year degree no matter what..then he's on his own. I promised him I would support and pay for everything while he lives at home and goes to school. The year off BS is just that BS. So I told him you can take all the time you want but not under my roof so go get a job and find a place to live or pull your head out of your ass and get with the program we agreed to...you will be better off and finished sooner. He now has 6 classes with all A's. I know its hard but I'm harder...sometimes ya just gotta kick em in the ass now and then.

 

[Caydens Cat]

I had a similar thought process at Uni. My gf (now wife) and mom got me thru it. It gets really hard mentally to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The struggle is real, in his eyes. His eyes also don’t know how the real world works. Those that took time off, never came back (as far as I knew). Stick it out. Have him go locally if that’s possible. Don’t let him give up. When you do, many doors to opportunity close.

Also, what probably needs to be said is that everyone isn’t cut out for it.

 

[HBCraig]

I need to work on those incentives. I am the black hat (think about the negative) and focus on deterrents as motivation (that worked for me). Need to focus on the positive - my wife is good at that.

Don't let him do it. My daughter is a freshman and playing on a softball scholarship. She has really tough times with classes and travel. I tell her constantly it's a grind but keep your head down and get it done.

Remind him his college days are almost over. It's the best time of his life. College is fun but hard. Grind bud, grind

 

[Singleton]

I am hoping the summer away helps him focus again. He had to take a full load last summer since he changed majors. So as I thought about this, he has not had an off period since the summer between his 1st and 2nd year.

Hoping this summer we are able to refocus and he goes back in the fall. Part of the LOA application is to reserve fall classes just in case you change your mind. He did not want to do that, but the school said if you don’t reserve you got get an LOA and would be considered withdrawn which requires a new application to attend again

 

[Xtrmwakeboarder]

Man, that's tough. I don't have kids, but I like what my friends are doing, even though it's too late for you.

• They are saving for college, but their kids will be reimbursed AFTER a degree is procured
  • Kids will have to get scholarships, work, grants, loans, or a combo of the above
• The kids will get the entire payout as a graduation gift, so any excess over what they took out as loans is gravy

A semester off is going to make going back harder. All of you know, college is EASY compared to real life, so quitting or taking a break now is teaching bad habits. Shoot, I'd love to take a break from working 15-hour days and weekends, but stuff needs to get done, and bills need to be paid. Maybe it's not for him, which is fine, but I'm bummed at the money YOU wasted for him to figure it out. I'm a huge proponent of kids self-funding, working, and going to JC before big $ is spent. Good-luck.

Edit: I should add that I had a close group of 4 buddies that started JC with me. All 4 "took a semester off" and none of them went back.

 

[Bowtiepower00]

Amazing how a semester or two off busting your ass for shit wages trying to survive can convince a person to get back into school.

 

[HTTP404]

How about the 26yr old college grad who claims they can't find work right now. (daughter's boyfriend)

 

[Xtrmwakeboarder]

How about the 26yr old college grad who claims they can't find work right now. (daughter's boyfriend)

Basket Weaving major?

 

[LargeOrangeFont]

I am hoping the summer away helps him focus again. He had to take a full load last summer since he changed majors. So as I thought about this, he has not had an off period since the summer between his 1st and 2nd year.

Hoping this summer we are able to refocus and he goes back in the fall. Part of the LOA application is to reserve fall classes just in case you change your mind. He did not want to do that, but the school said if you don’t reserve you got get an LOA and would be considered withdrawn which requires a new application to attend again

So he did this to himself by changing majors?

 

[Lumpy]

So he did this to himself by changing majors?

Pretty common...mine changed his three times between first and second year...finishing up second year...coming from a father that never went to collage. In my opinion it truly is about motivation. Don't baby them, they are not babies anymore...young adults looking for the least path of resistance wanting Mommy & Daddy to hold their hand, in my case Mommy isn't around.

Discipline But Don't Break Spirit!!!

 

[Bowtiepower00]

Discipline But Don't Break Spirit!!!

Perfectly said.

 

[HTTP404]

Basket Weaving major?

Sadly no. IT/business. Classic case of degree w/no practical experience.

Does anyone in the Temecula area have work for a healthy 26 year old man?

 

[attitude]

Sadly no. IT/business. Classic case of degree w/no practical experience.

Does anyone in the Temecula area have work for a healthy 26 year old man?

The telecommunications industry has a huge shortage of workers, I’m sure with his computer skills he can learn AutoCad no problem.

 

[BHC Vic]

Amazing how a semester or two off busting your ass for shit wages trying to survive can convince a person to get back into school.

My dad worked for the post office and would be up before 4 every morning. When i first dropped out of college and started working construction he would wake me up every morning. I was usually pretty hungover or still drunk but I would get up, shower, and go to work. He said for the first year every morning he expected me to say dad let me sleep I’m going back to school. I never did. It was one of those not what I would have chose for you but I’m proud of you talks.

 

[badgas]

Stick your plan !

Maybe he will like hard work more than school and become a great employee for someone. College is NOT for everyone. If he wants it he will do it. The people I know with one or two degrees that they never even use them far out weigh the ones I know who are using it.

Outside of Law, Medicine, and Mechanical Engineering I can't think of anyone I know who is using their degree. If he is good hard worker then he will be fine.

 

[Englewood]

Why does he have to continue college?

 

[HTTP404]

The telecommunications industry has a huge shortage of workers, I’m sure with his computer skills he can learn AutoCad no problem.

I'm thinking he needs to dig some holes or something for a while to appreciate paying the dues.

 

[Singleton]

Why does he have to continue college?

He does not. If he decides not to continue, he will wake up to the real world and step-dads checkbook will not be paying for everything. All my kids (biological or step) had an option when HS ended. 1 - go to college, 2 - military, 3 - join a trade, 4 - get a job and pay rent, 5 - locks get changed and your belonging are boxed outside of house waiting for you to pick them up. Option 1 through 4 had financial incentives if completed, option 5 was the FU plan.

 

[elco]

I got my degree in Mechanical Engineering. Cant count how many times I thought about switching majors or taking a year off. In the end it was some simple wisdom from an old engineer that helped me stick it out. When talking about how much trouble i was having and some of the classes i failed, he just laughed and told me everyone has trouble because its hard for everyone and not meant to be easy. The real lesson is learning how to manage difficult tasks, set goals, and accomish them. I dont know anyone who took a year off and finished but myself and several other people did do a few light quarters with only one or two core classes and some low stress electives to stay full time for financial aid. I would recommend taking an easy quarter but keep at it.

 

[Bowtiepower00]

My limited understanding of gaming is there is a limited number of entry level jobs that go to those with connections, and pay is limited. Until you get established, then the world is your oyster.

 

[Bowtiepower00]

It’s like I tell my 10yo. He can stay committed to college with some level of support, join the military, or learn a trade. No free rides. He is also free to move out on his own.

 

[Xtrmwakeboarder]

Sadly no. IT/business. Classic case of degree w/no practical experience.

Does anyone in the Temecula area have work for a healthy 26 year old man?

Man, that should be an easy entry. I wonder if he’s just waiting for that magical $100k/year job right out of school….

 

[mesquito_creek]

My wife and I had both our kids sign contracts on their 18th birthday. You know, when they tell you an they are adults and can do whatever they want. Contract says basically students live free, adults at home 18+ pay rent (amount in contract) and others get out the house and fly be free on their own dime.

Whenever these conversations came up I told them to pull out their contract… nothing to talk about it in black and white.

 

[farmo83]

My brother-in-law took a year off from college in 2006, he finished last year and my in laws basically drug him across the finish line.

 

[LargeOrangeFont]

Pretty common...mine changed his three times between first and second year...finishing up second year...coming from a father that never went to collage. In my opinion it truly is about motivation. Don't baby them, they are not babies anymore...young adults looking for the least path of resistance wanting Mommy & Daddy to hold their hand, in my case Mommy isn't around.

Discipline But Don't Break Spirit!!!

Understood but typically changing majors puts more load in the kid, or extends college, or both. It depends on the change of course.