Monday Funnies....

[SBMech]

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's exactly what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked a blushing Mrs. Jones.

"You just leave everything to me," he replied. "Usually, I try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for George and me," stated Mrs. Jones.

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. However, if we try several different positions, and I shoot from five or six angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Jones.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I would love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!" exclaimed Mrs. Jones.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in the downtown area," he proudly declared.

"Oh my word!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, considering the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with," he said, handing Mrs. Jones the photograph.

"She was difficult?" Mrs. Jones asked.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing and shoving to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, her eyes the size of saucers.

"Yes," said the photographer. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. It was very difficult for me to concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

"You mean they actually chewed on your, umm, equipment?" Mrs. Jones asked.

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod?" asked a very worried Mrs. Jones.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action."

"Madam, madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!"

 

[SBMech]

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team.

I was pretty good, mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.

She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.

They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.

She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45."

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.

Only this time, she plays left-handed.

The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.

They're totally amazed.

They can't figure her out.

She's very pleasant and a gracious winner.

They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.

This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.

The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.

However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.

They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."

"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

The guys think this is hysterical.

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

 

[SBMech]

A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for $250.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joe’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Joe replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve spent it already.’

Joe said, ‘Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.’

The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with it?

Joe said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

The farmer said, ‘You can’t sell a dead horse!’

Joe said, ‘Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’

A month Later, the farmer met up with Joe and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’

Joe said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $5 apiece and made a profit of $2495.’

The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

Joe said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $5 back.’

 

[SBMech]

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic.

He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "This is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money. Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!" Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak." Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor $500. Doctor: "But this is $500..." Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

 

[SBMech]

One day, Joe went hunting alone, and for the next few days no one heard from him. About a week afterwards, a body was found and brought into the coroner’s office.

The coroner, after thoroughly examining the body, needed a positive identification in order to verify that the body was indeed Joe. So, he brought in Bro and Buddy, and told them to come in separately to identify the body.

Bro came in first, and was asked to look for any details about the body that he recognized. After a few minutes of examining, Bro said, “Mr. Coroner, I’ll need you to turn the body over for me to be sure.”

Confused, the coroner obliged. Bro continued to examine the body, bent down on one knee, reared his head sideways, then stood up and said, “No sir, this can’t be Joe.”

The coroner was even more confused, but he accepted this statement and sent Bro out. Next, he invited Buddy in to repeat the task. Buddy, after examining the body in a similar fashion to Bro, also requested that the body be turned over.

The coroner, after mumbling a bit about his confusion, flipped the body over. Buddy too bent down on one knee and examined the back area of the body, then, just as Bro had previously, said, “No sir, Mr. Coroner, this isn’t Joe.”

The coroner was astonished, so he asked that Bro come back in so that the two of them were standing there at once. The coroner said, “Gentlemen, this man’s dental records and features match perfectly with those of your friend Joe’s. How on earth are you both positive this isn’t him?”

Bro and Buddy looked at each other, then Bro answered, “Sir, this can’t be Joe because Joe has two assholes.”

In shock, the coroner asked, “How can he have two assholes? Have you ever seen them?”

Buddy replied, “No sir, but it was common knowledge. Every time we were out with him, people would say, ‘Look, it’s Joe with those two assholes!’”

 

[SBMech]

Over the last few months I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into the local mall for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience:

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking, voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping bags into the trunk. They both start cleaning your windscreen; their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip; they'll say No and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case K-Mart. You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing until both are completely naked.

Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen on October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Again it happened in November on the 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th and 13th and twice yesterday.

So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam. The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.

P.S. K Mart has cheap wallets on sale for $1.99 each but Target wallets are $1.75 and look better.

 

[SBMech]

Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive...

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.

Here's the joke I told:

"What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?"

"Throw your laundry in."

One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago.

Obviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?"

"No," replied the guy. "He choked on a sock."

 

[SBMech]

A Blonde goes to the Hospital....

She was claiming that everywhere she touches hurts.

So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says “Okay I’d like you to point to wherever it hurts”.

So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says “Here. Ow.” She then pokes her arm and says “Here. Ow.”

She then repeats this with different parts of her body until the doctor finally says that she should stop.

The doctor says “I know what’s happened to you.” “What’s happened to me??” The Blonde says, concerned.

The doctor simply replies, “You have a broken finger.”

 

[SBMech]

Murphy's Law? Nope. Mother in law's Choice...

Sam, a young man, excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He tells her, 'Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you must try and guess which one I'm going to marry.'

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

Later, he says, 'Okay Mother dear, guess which one I'm going to marry.'

She immediately replies, 'The one on the right.'

'That's amazing, Ma. You're correct. How did you know?'

The mother replies, 'I don't like her.'

 

[SBMech]

Little Timmy went to a brothel.

Behind him, he dragged a dead frog on a string. He walks up to the nearest employee and says "I'd like to sleep with one of your girls today."

"Sure kid, do you have any preferences?" The employee replied.

"Yes.. I'd like to sleep with which ever girl has the most diseases."

Shocked, the employee simply says. "Alrighty, kid. Whatever you want!"

So, little Timmy runs off with his newly appointed date and does not return for quite some time.

Upon Timmy's return, the employee stops him and says "Hey, you. I have to ask; why did you want only our most diseased girl?"

"Well," Timmy starts, "Tonight, when I go home my babysitter will come over. My babysitter will touch me and she'll get the diseases. Then Daddy will come home and sleep with the babysitter and she'll get the diseases. Then, Mommy will come home and the babysitter will leave and my parents will sleep with each other, giving Mommy the diseases. Then tomorrow, when Daddy leaves for work before Mommy, the milkman will come and sleep with Mommy and he'll get the diseases.

And that's the fucker who ran over my frog.

 

[johnnyC]

these were great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[braindead]

Awesome, thanks!

 

[sonicss31]