Speaking in metaphors - WTF does that mean

[Riverfamlee]

Have a co-worker that loves to use metaphors. I think its pretty funny but always wonder the origin of some of this shit.

Some of his favs:

He was wound up tighter than a cheap watch

We don't need them sending us another dog with fleas

Got any good ones? I need to fire back

 

[SixD9R]

Southerners are best at this.
I was once working in Pace Florida which is up on the pan handle, essentially lower Alabama. We pulled out a machine with a wrecked impeller, like I mean the blades were almost completely gone. One guy said “that dang wheel looks like a corn cob with no kernels on it”

I was in Smith mountain lake Virginia with my jet boat which was atypical for the area. I pulled into a gas dock and the attendant asked “how fast this buger go”

 

[liquid addiction]

A few from some old guys I used to work with:

Wound up tighter than a dicks hat band!
Well it ain't going to suck itself!
A fart is a turd honking for the right of way.

 

[bilz]

Buddy I used to work with would say
( acts like he's or Thinks he's) "Shittin' in high cotton"

That suckers built like a brick shit house

 

[Englewood]

Wife's Grandpa taught me tons

More frustrated than a 2-dicked dog at a bitch fest
Wound up tighter than an 8-day clock
Hungrier than an Ethiopian watching a donut roll down a hill
I need that like a dog needs 2 dicks
Uglier than a day-shift stripper
Sweating like a hooker in church
Hotter than a half-fucked fox in a forest fire
Busier than a whore house on nickel night
More frustrating than a blind lesbian at a fish market

Don't @ me..these are from him lol

 

[was thatguy]

“I was in a Nine line bind” is popular on oil rigs.
Anyone familiar with block and tackle systems will get it.

 

[robert1050]

One of my favorites:
Worthless as a broke dick dog

 

[DarkHorseRacing]

Looked like two monkeys fucking a football.

Jumped on that like a duck on a June bug.

About a nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

That’s harder than being a one legged man in an ass kicking contest.

That dog won’t hunt.

That chick makes my dick harder than Chinese arithmetic.

 

[Roosky01]

It’s hotter than two rats fuk’n in a wool sock.

 

[JUSTWANNARACE]

Colder than a witches tit in a brass bra

 

[DarkHorseRacing]

Jumped on that like a farmer on a bargain.

 

[GETBOATS]

OK, Define this one..."Don't want no more cheese"

 

[boatnam2]

My pops would always say " that's tighter than ole dicks hat band"

I had a red headed buddy, pops would drop this one on him " I would rather be dead and tied to a log than red on the head like a dick on a dog"

Quick story about my red headed buddy, his first piece of ass he got i let him use or camper stored in back yard, it worked good so he used it quite a few times. One day he come over and my Dad tell him Ritchie, I don't mind if you eat banana's in my fcking camper, but quite throwing the peels out on the ground. he turned red as his hair.

 

[Kachina26]

'Bout as useless as tits on a boar which is often misquoted as tits on a board. I guess those are useless too.

 

[monkeyswrench]

Just hanging out like a dick on a dog.

She's got a grill like a Pontiac Star Chief

I can throw a cat sideways through there (framing and sheeting on roofs)

Straight to the neck with it.
(Inhaling food, guzzling beer)

 

[Your ad here]

More excuses than a pregnant nun.

 

[attitude]

I still remember going over to a buddies house in high school while his dad was trying to loosen the axel nut on his dirtbike, he proclaimed that the axel nut was “tighter than a virgin on prom night”

 

[JUSTWANNARACE]

"Like throwing a hot dog down a hallway"

 

[joecfd1]

It's hotter than Auschwitz in here.
Off like a prom dress
I'm on that like a pitbull on a preschooler

 

[BIGRED9158]

Tight like a virgin on prom night

 

[SoCalDave]

Useless as tits on a boar hog
Ain't that some shit
She could eat grits out a Coca Cola bottle (buck teeth)
What in the Sam Hill is going on
Is the pope catholic
Does a cat have an ass
Sweating like a nigger on election day with George Wallace ahead

 

[JUSTWANNARACE]

Been rode more times then a greyhound bus

Just like a doorknob, everyone gets a turn

Does a bear shit in the woods

 

[BIGRED9158]

Just Iike a refrigerator everyone puts meat in her

 

[TexasJet]

I'd jump on that like a chicken on a june bug.
Tighter than a ducks ass, and that's water tight.

 

[Chili Palmer]

My friend’s dad would always say about rocks he’d pick up - that looks like a leverite. A leverite? Yep, leave it right there.

I see your not afraid of hard work….you’ll go and sit right next to it.

Did you find that dog? What dog? That one you’ve been fucking around all morning trying to find. And that one morphed into the phrase “fucking the dog” as someone who does absolutely nothing all day.

 

[Todd Mohr]

"About as sharp as a sack of wet mice" might be a way to describe current POTUS

 

[coolchange]

My own, “dudes wrapped tighter than a gas station burrito.”
Rare as hens teeth
That dog won’t hunt.
Hell in a hand basket

 

[phuggit]

Slicker than snot on a glass door knob.

It ain't gonna unfuck itself.

 

[Bails]

I had a buddy that worked at the Seaway boat yard 20 years ago. One day he called me and I asked, "what are you up to", to which he said, "shaving the dog". They had a shop dog that was a husky and that poor thing got hot in the summer so they would shave it.
Since then, with my group of friends, "shaving the dog" means, not working or fucking around.


The other one I use, especially with someone that throws them out a lot, "there are two types of people in the world", then walk away. You have to keep them guessing. I had a guy ask me a couple weeks later what are the two types of people.

 

[OC Mike]

Job talk

From my Dad years ago..
Don't drink more than you can sweat, because we don't have time to pee.
That guy's so slow he couldn't make wages falling down a mine shaft at a dollar foot.
From me..
That guy is a WWF... WWF = Worthless White Fuck.......

One I read on here somewhere, I love it...
"Oxygen thief".

 

[707dog]

Coming from the machine shop and tools boxes iv worked with many crazy old timer that had serious one liners so the list is long of some of the stuff iv heard. I fire them at my sons sometimes just to mess around I get the blank stares ill share few tho

Happier than a fag with two buttholes
Happy as a fag in tree full of dicks
Well it ain't going to unfuck itself
Shut up and go sit on your foot
Sounds like someone hasn't spit shinned her sheriff's badge in a while.
Filter so damn tight we need your wifes lock jaw to bust it loose.
Spit shinning a turd
If you can take a dick you can take a joke
Some people should of been swallowed before birth

 

[sonicss31]

What a bag oh dicks.
This place is like a submarine with screen doors.
What a waste of good sperm.
The admiral is coming, time to polish the turd.
You know that guy is gun deckin his logs.
I’m not doing any extra work for that split tail.

 

[Badchoices03]

My uncles fave....This/That is as worthless as big tits on a nun...

 

[Yoshiro]

You've gotta ride him like a cheap suit

She's got more curves than the road to Hana

She's been rode more than the village bicycle

 

[Drew]

Standing out straighter than a wedding night dick

Tighter than a crabs ass and that’s water tight

Tighter than a gnats ass stretched over a rain barrel

Dead as Kelsey nutz

Sweating harder than a hooker in Harlem

It’s like throwing a hotdog down a hallway

 

[Drew]

Best part of you ram down your mothers leg

 

[Dr Rob]

You've gotta ride him like a cheap suit

She's got more curves than the road to Hana

She's been rode more than the village bicycle

Hotter than a buzzard's crotch or I was so scared you couldn't shove up pin up my a** with a Jack hammer. Lol

 

[golakers]

Excuses are like assholes, everyone got one!

 

[racektm]

hotter than the hinges of hell

 

[Sleek-Jet]

Drier than a popcorn fart.

 

[steamin rice]

Crooked as a dog's hind leg.....

 

[rivrrts429]

Wound tighter than a gnats ass stretched across a rain barrel.

Busier than a long-tailed cat in a rocking chair factory.

 

[sirbob]

Lead dog of a pack that don't hunt
Busier than a one arm paper hanger
Rode hard and put away wet
Is a dogs ass water tight
Serious as a heart attack
Serious as a screen door in a submarine
Funny as a fart in church
She can suck a bowling ball up a straw
Make like a tree and leave
Make like a dick and beat it
Nervous as a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs
Racer net
Looks good on paper
2 wrongs don't make a right
If my dog was that ugly I'd shave its ass and make it walk backwards

And an all time favorite...

This looks (smells/taste/feels/etc) like the foreskin of an unborn elk

 

[Fastdadtsmith]

My guys could fuck up a steel ball
She could suck the chrome off a hitch
She could suck a golf ball thru a garden hose
If he were any slower he'd be going backwards

 

[Terminal Velocity]

"Looks like the best part of you ran down your mommas back and dripped off her taint."
"I can't believe you were the fastest swimmer when your dad shot his load into your mom"

 

[DRYHEAT]

Fine as frogs hair.

 

[badgas]

Colder than a well diggers ass.

Hotter than Texas mule piss.

Raining like a mule pissing on a flat rock.

Sweating like a whore in church.

Slower than molasses in January.

Smells like a pack mule fart in an outhouse.

Smells worse than the south end of a north facing mule.

 

[Dr Rob]

Colder than a well diggers ass.

Hotter than Texas mule piss.

Raining like a mule pissing on a flat rock.

Sweating like a whore in church.

Slower than molasses in January.

Smells like a pack mule fart in an outhouse.

Smells worse than the south end of north facing mule.

A buddy of mine let a fart out in front of an old friend of mine. He looked him square in the eye and said that is going to itch when it dries.

 

[Rayson1971]

Killing one bird with two stones . Makes my wife laugh every time.

 

[caribbean20]

About as useful as shoveling shit against the tide

Just putting lipstick on the pig

She’s so ugly she could scare a dog off a meat wagon

And my favorite Fred Sanford talking about Aunt Esther, “she pressed her face in the dough and made Gorilla Cookies”